Hi
Forgive me for making this blog very short. The cold that has been pursuing me has caught up full force. I've been battling it for 24 hours and so far it is winning.
I made it through Valentines day today with a great deal of help from friends and family, Jan, Art, Barbara, Marilyn and especially Irene and Aunt Ann, thank you all for your uplifting words.
I desperately need to buy groceries but really did not feel like doing it today. I've been working very intently on a big appraisal since noon today with a nice break to go collect Keanna from school. We went to Longs to find just the right Valentine gift, she found three, picked up meds and bandaids Keanna thought we needed in case she gets a scrape next time she is climbing a tree, her words. Then we went to McDonalds where she played with high energy on the slides in the play area. We went to the one in Brentwood since it is enclosed, far too cold to play outdoors today, high winds, cold weather, brrr all day for me. Then we headed home and its a beautiful sight to see Keanna hook up with her dad, they both smile and one can tell they really love each other.
Now its time to collapse in bed until tomorrow. I walked the dogs to the park today but not around the lake. Ken had a meeting and I didn't feel that great even then. I'm so low on food I don't even have oatmeal or milk. Its time. Tomorrow I'm off to Sacramento to see a property and then I think I'll come home and just rest for a bit.
I was remembering today how Nan would always turn any event like Valentines day into something special, special food, special cards, candles. Its easy to understand why I miss her so much. She was a very important sparkplug for us all. Nan we love you and appreciate everything you did for us all, we miss you dear. You are the real valentine!
Good night friends and family, thanks for sharing some of your phone numbers, helps to be in touch. Thanks Loren for being willing to take me to the wonderful colonoscopy on the 28th. I can't wait. Would you please ask the Lord to once again open our clients heart money wise, Been a dry week and tomorrow is house payment time, always a challenge. Also ask Him to help with my health. I can't get sick.
love
tim
Thursday, February 14, 2008
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
If working hard clears the mind then...
Dear Family and Friends,
This has been a very long day, a safe day and a productive day.
* saw doctor for colonoscopy, date set for Feb. 28 8-12, great! Would Loren like to come visit? I've lost all cell and regular phone numbers for family and friends so could Loren please call or email his numbers, also Les's cell phone.
* inspected lovely Berkeley home surrounded by beautiful trees, owners wife left after 40 years of a great marriage to join a childhood friend who contacted her through email. He has decided to go it alone not really anxious to trust a future spouse too much. Great guy and a new friend.
* inspected a home in Walnut Creek with young family, big fuzzy dog and lots of love evident
* Olive Garden soup and salad
* Dr. Jim's weight management clinic, learned lots of new things
* walked this morning but ended up with very sore body parts, soon I will soak in the jetted tub
* resting blood pressure this morning was an amazing 116 / 67, best yet. Something is working well.
* paid a large amount to IRS today so they can have a happy valentines day!
I have a deep sense of appreciation for the 36 years Nan was in all of our lives. Especially tomorrow she will be missed. It was one of her special days she liked to enjoy to the fullest!
Happy Valentines day to you and please give some special words to your spouse while you have them with you. Do it, don't plan to do it, don't intend to do it, just do it and keep on doing it, letting them know they are the best things that ever happened to you.
love
tim
This has been a very long day, a safe day and a productive day.
* saw doctor for colonoscopy, date set for Feb. 28 8-12, great! Would Loren like to come visit? I've lost all cell and regular phone numbers for family and friends so could Loren please call or email his numbers, also Les's cell phone.
* inspected lovely Berkeley home surrounded by beautiful trees, owners wife left after 40 years of a great marriage to join a childhood friend who contacted her through email. He has decided to go it alone not really anxious to trust a future spouse too much. Great guy and a new friend.
* inspected a home in Walnut Creek with young family, big fuzzy dog and lots of love evident
* Olive Garden soup and salad
* Dr. Jim's weight management clinic, learned lots of new things
* walked this morning but ended up with very sore body parts, soon I will soak in the jetted tub
* resting blood pressure this morning was an amazing 116 / 67, best yet. Something is working well.
* paid a large amount to IRS today so they can have a happy valentines day!
I have a deep sense of appreciation for the 36 years Nan was in all of our lives. Especially tomorrow she will be missed. It was one of her special days she liked to enjoy to the fullest!
Happy Valentines day to you and please give some special words to your spouse while you have them with you. Do it, don't plan to do it, don't intend to do it, just do it and keep on doing it, letting them know they are the best things that ever happened to you.
love
tim
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
Gymnastics by Keanna
Dear Readers,
Bob has given some good advice to wood be writers to the blog. I'm sorry it has turned out to be complicated and I'd love to hear from you.
Today was routine: Walk early, shower, oatmeal, ripe pear, orange juice, sausage, meds, work, turn on new phone, call all AT&T cell offices in Concord and Pleasant Hill area in case old phone gets dropped off, pay bills, set up orders, answer conditions, make big plans for the day, then make smaller plans for the day, leave at 4 pm to pick up Keanna, make deposit, pick up IRS fanmail from Post Office, warning, going to lien everything including your dogs if you don't mail in money!, pick up Keanna, start getting happy as she is so thrilled to see her pappa, drive to gymnastics but stop at Taco Bell on way so she can get chips for snack along with the good snack her daddy had packed in her lunch pail, observe 45 minutes of non stop learning, exercising, joy, then back to car, call Steve, yes he is coming in for dinner, have dinner with the three of us, more pure joy, then they go their way and I go mine, home to work a bit more, print out orders, messages, conditions, value checks, feed dogs, feed fish, feed cats, don't feed Tim, had enough in town, 9:20 talked to Art a bit, contemplating going to bed now early for a change.
Tomorrow is a real exciting day, get to meet the doctor who will conduct the colonoscopy. I see him at 11 in Antioch, then drive to Berkeley for missed appointment, lender ordered wrong address, then to Walnut Creek to see property, then to Dr. Jim for 6 pm class on living with diabestes and learning to cook right. Then home at last.
While we were eating tonight Nikki called, she is having a decent time there but so wants to get home to her loved ones. She talked to Keanna on the blue tooth I held to her ear.
My new phone is great, has nicer features than last one but of course takes a different charger so no car charger and just one house charger now. Oh well. Just glad to have a working phone again. My personal email is timmustard@yahoo.com or the business email is discoapp@comcast.net. I have lost your phone numbers so if you would like to have me call you please send your phone numbers. I would appreciate it very much. I can get some from Nan's phone but I'd like to get them from you if possible, then I know they are right.
When I talked to Jason and Timothy tonight it sounded like Timothy is improving from his first big cold. He is starting to say pappa, well no he is actually starting to say mama much to their delight.
I am so thankful, even though I have not lost a lot of weight so far I am feeling so much better, no more chest pains, I can walk any distance now without heavy breathing, I feel totally alive again and I really think the walking every morning with Ken has made a huge difference. I sure appreciate having a walking buddy and no we don't always get to walk together as he does taxes and this is his season to be very busy including early appointments and such. If you can possibly find someone to walk with I urge you to do it. At first your body feels like Wes described, pains and it seems you just can't do it but after a few weeks you crave it and hate to miss your walk. Its that good and now with better weather it is even more joyful.
I thank God for Keanna and Timothy. They are a constant reminder of how precious the life we have is and how we need to do all in our power to express love, support, forgiveness and encourage each other to go for our goals, to stretch, to chose to be happy each day, to laugh, to sing, to love. Someone today said it well, innocence, that is what they have and its nice to have a bit of it around.
love
tim
Bob has given some good advice to wood be writers to the blog. I'm sorry it has turned out to be complicated and I'd love to hear from you.
Today was routine: Walk early, shower, oatmeal, ripe pear, orange juice, sausage, meds, work, turn on new phone, call all AT&T cell offices in Concord and Pleasant Hill area in case old phone gets dropped off, pay bills, set up orders, answer conditions, make big plans for the day, then make smaller plans for the day, leave at 4 pm to pick up Keanna, make deposit, pick up IRS fanmail from Post Office, warning, going to lien everything including your dogs if you don't mail in money!, pick up Keanna, start getting happy as she is so thrilled to see her pappa, drive to gymnastics but stop at Taco Bell on way so she can get chips for snack along with the good snack her daddy had packed in her lunch pail, observe 45 minutes of non stop learning, exercising, joy, then back to car, call Steve, yes he is coming in for dinner, have dinner with the three of us, more pure joy, then they go their way and I go mine, home to work a bit more, print out orders, messages, conditions, value checks, feed dogs, feed fish, feed cats, don't feed Tim, had enough in town, 9:20 talked to Art a bit, contemplating going to bed now early for a change.
Tomorrow is a real exciting day, get to meet the doctor who will conduct the colonoscopy. I see him at 11 in Antioch, then drive to Berkeley for missed appointment, lender ordered wrong address, then to Walnut Creek to see property, then to Dr. Jim for 6 pm class on living with diabestes and learning to cook right. Then home at last.
While we were eating tonight Nikki called, she is having a decent time there but so wants to get home to her loved ones. She talked to Keanna on the blue tooth I held to her ear.
My new phone is great, has nicer features than last one but of course takes a different charger so no car charger and just one house charger now. Oh well. Just glad to have a working phone again. My personal email is timmustard@yahoo.com or the business email is discoapp@comcast.net. I have lost your phone numbers so if you would like to have me call you please send your phone numbers. I would appreciate it very much. I can get some from Nan's phone but I'd like to get them from you if possible, then I know they are right.
When I talked to Jason and Timothy tonight it sounded like Timothy is improving from his first big cold. He is starting to say pappa, well no he is actually starting to say mama much to their delight.
I am so thankful, even though I have not lost a lot of weight so far I am feeling so much better, no more chest pains, I can walk any distance now without heavy breathing, I feel totally alive again and I really think the walking every morning with Ken has made a huge difference. I sure appreciate having a walking buddy and no we don't always get to walk together as he does taxes and this is his season to be very busy including early appointments and such. If you can possibly find someone to walk with I urge you to do it. At first your body feels like Wes described, pains and it seems you just can't do it but after a few weeks you crave it and hate to miss your walk. Its that good and now with better weather it is even more joyful.
I thank God for Keanna and Timothy. They are a constant reminder of how precious the life we have is and how we need to do all in our power to express love, support, forgiveness and encourage each other to go for our goals, to stretch, to chose to be happy each day, to laugh, to sing, to love. Someone today said it well, innocence, that is what they have and its nice to have a bit of it around.
love
tim
Monday, February 11, 2008
Big day on the road
Good evening my friends and family members,
Finally home and settled in front of the computer. Mail included a letter I have to pick up at the post office from our friends at IRS but no incoming checks. Starr and Lady were very happy to see me this evening, they are such a nice pair to come home to.
I walked with Ken this morning at 7, then had breakfast, then did final prep work, some last minute revisions to an appraisal that were called in at 9, the time I had planned to leave. So at 9:20 I was able to start the car, set the GPS and headed out, pay the RV parking fee, join my place in the commute line. I arrived 2 minutes early in Gilroy at the property but I could not get the owners to answer the door. My camera failed as I stepped out of the car so I reached for a backup one which I hope did a good job of photos today, otherwise I'll be back over the same path again. The last comp I shot was right down the street from Art and Connie's place, Art and I went to lunch at a great little place they have discovered and then too soon it was time to leave my friend and counselor. I then drove to Irene and Ron's home along the way. I ended up staying to long there and was late to the Oakland appointment but they were there and it worked out fine. Then to Berkeley which was at the upper edge of the city adjacent to the very top of the hills. I never could get that person to answer the door, lights were on but no one was at home so I measured the home, shot photos and left. I drove home and on the way had an interesting phone call, a lady called and I discovered it was someone trying to reach my stolen phone. I kindly told her that the person she was trying to reach had my phone. She spoke for a bit explaining that he was in the hospital and felt bad about the phone. Later she called back to tell me he had decided to turn the phone in to AT&T in Concord. If that really happens it would be wonderful to get my phone numbers and photos back, of course now what do I do with the new phone that arrived by DHL today? We will have to see how it plays out but I found it interesting, the whole process.
AFter a quick stop for bananas at CostCo which turned out badly, they had no bananas in the entire store I drove on home stopping to pick up new batteries at the Longs. My camera signalled this morning that the batteries had failed. It is interesting as I only changed the batteries on Friday in Hughson. They don't go bad that fast so I must have purchased dead batteries.
Tomorrow I work in mostly and once again face a new round of conditions, lenders are not happy no matter what you do right now, they are running scared of values that are still dropping in some cases.
I am thankful this evening for a safe day behind the wheel, for seeing my friends Art and Irene, for having work to do. I am also thankful that I got to talk to Nikki this evening and she is feeling better, had a sleepy day in meetings and was ready to try to get some sleep.
Tomorrow I get to pick up Keanna from her school, take her to her dance class and see her in action. Can't wait.
Please let me know if you are having trouble logging messages, Sharon told me this evening that she wrote a big message and then it just disappeared. That is very discouraging. Perhaps we can put the people who have figured out the system to share the hows with those who want to master the system.
Love to all this evening,
Tim
Finally home and settled in front of the computer. Mail included a letter I have to pick up at the post office from our friends at IRS but no incoming checks. Starr and Lady were very happy to see me this evening, they are such a nice pair to come home to.
I walked with Ken this morning at 7, then had breakfast, then did final prep work, some last minute revisions to an appraisal that were called in at 9, the time I had planned to leave. So at 9:20 I was able to start the car, set the GPS and headed out, pay the RV parking fee, join my place in the commute line. I arrived 2 minutes early in Gilroy at the property but I could not get the owners to answer the door. My camera failed as I stepped out of the car so I reached for a backup one which I hope did a good job of photos today, otherwise I'll be back over the same path again. The last comp I shot was right down the street from Art and Connie's place, Art and I went to lunch at a great little place they have discovered and then too soon it was time to leave my friend and counselor. I then drove to Irene and Ron's home along the way. I ended up staying to long there and was late to the Oakland appointment but they were there and it worked out fine. Then to Berkeley which was at the upper edge of the city adjacent to the very top of the hills. I never could get that person to answer the door, lights were on but no one was at home so I measured the home, shot photos and left. I drove home and on the way had an interesting phone call, a lady called and I discovered it was someone trying to reach my stolen phone. I kindly told her that the person she was trying to reach had my phone. She spoke for a bit explaining that he was in the hospital and felt bad about the phone. Later she called back to tell me he had decided to turn the phone in to AT&T in Concord. If that really happens it would be wonderful to get my phone numbers and photos back, of course now what do I do with the new phone that arrived by DHL today? We will have to see how it plays out but I found it interesting, the whole process.
AFter a quick stop for bananas at CostCo which turned out badly, they had no bananas in the entire store I drove on home stopping to pick up new batteries at the Longs. My camera signalled this morning that the batteries had failed. It is interesting as I only changed the batteries on Friday in Hughson. They don't go bad that fast so I must have purchased dead batteries.
Tomorrow I work in mostly and once again face a new round of conditions, lenders are not happy no matter what you do right now, they are running scared of values that are still dropping in some cases.
I am thankful this evening for a safe day behind the wheel, for seeing my friends Art and Irene, for having work to do. I am also thankful that I got to talk to Nikki this evening and she is feeling better, had a sleepy day in meetings and was ready to try to get some sleep.
Tomorrow I get to pick up Keanna from her school, take her to her dance class and see her in action. Can't wait.
Please let me know if you are having trouble logging messages, Sharon told me this evening that she wrote a big message and then it just disappeared. That is very discouraging. Perhaps we can put the people who have figured out the system to share the hows with those who want to master the system.
Love to all this evening,
Tim
Sunday, February 10, 2008
Sunday evening
Good evening friends and family members,
I sincerely hope your weekend had as many high points as mine did. Yes in spite of many hours alone here in my home still I have enjoyed some laughs, some good tastes and some accomplishments.
Ken and I walked this morning and found a beautiful day waiting. After a breakfast of shredded wheat and a pear I showered and put on shorts, yes the house is that warm these days. Well the shorts were a good idea until the furnace set back for the day, back to 62 and then it grew a bit cooler. I settled in to work and have accomplished most of my list. Several appraisals are emailed out, others are near to going out, tomorrow is fully researched with maps printed, comps selected and appointments confirmed. I'll leave around 9 to drive to Gilroy to see a ranchette, then hope to have lunch with Art who lives in Gilroy part of the time, then back to Oakland for a 3 pm appointment and then on to Berkeley for a 5 pm appointment. After that the struggle to cope with traffic takes over for the next hour or so. So it will be a good day and I am very thankful for the FHA work from my friend Tom.
This afternoon I could tell something was not right for me blood sugar wise, I felt weak and confused. I had some orange juice and some lunch and eventually I felt better, then later in the afternoon I again felt the effects of low blood sugar. The first time it was 84 and the next it was 87, neither of which is critical but unusally low for me since I've been finding sugar levels of 157 to 279 which is way too high. So something kicked in today to lower the level to a much safer level. Finally this evening I decided to get some air so I backed the bug out and gave it a wash down. Only when I was in town at Longs did I look closer and found that I missed large sections of the car totally in the failing light as I was washing it. I found it very funny and laughed out loud which startled me so then I laughed again on purpose. It felt good to laugh at myself. I was reminded of how often when you have kids who are holding fund raiser car wash do your car they miss sections, well here I who am really quite adult missed large sections.
I tried my hand at boiling eggs today and that worked out well. I love to peel an egg and eat it or put it on a peanut butter sandwich, that part might be beyond what most of you can tolerate but then I like peanut butter a lot. I'm currently using a peanut butter which is designed for diabetics, hope it is the right stuff.
So as I face a new week the bank deposits are in, the bills are pretty much paid for the next couple days, the car has fuel, the decks are doggie deposit cleared, the floors are mopped, the dishwasher is partially loaded waiting for more dishes and pans and the christmas tree remains, waiting for just the right moment to have its beautiful ornaments removed.
I am gradually getting a file system set up in preparation for when Marilyn comes in the spring to sort a huge stack of papers, I know she just loves to sort. I'm afraid my trusty Kodak camera is nearing the last of its useful life. It does not always flash for interior photos anymore, I think it is just tired. I know it has given me nearly 100,000 photos in its lifetime and hardly ever fails. I do not like change, not at all but I think I need to switch to one of the other cameras Nan had purchased from QVC. There are several sitting around and one was being sold on QVC today for $148 that Nan purchased over a year ago, a Pentax 7 megapixel camera with nice features, that might just be the new work camera.
I've felt pretty good this weekend emotion wise. Keanna talks a lot about Nan when she is here and I like that, Keanna will not forget her grammy ever. She made a comment that is so true. She said, Timothy probably won't remember his Grammy will he? I told her that was true but we would show him photos of he and her together and that was the best we could do. She was happy that she and Nikki purchased flowers for Nan's grave to celebrate her birthday. It seems what we are dealing with are very brutal realities, Nan fought a very good fight, she was brave and did all she could and we then lost her to the terrible tumors. Others are still fighting and we had 12 years from the onset of the disease until we lost her. She is gone, that is the brutal fact that is so hard to accept. I am one that loves to solve problems, I took on her war with the tumors personally and did everything in my power to hold them back and we won battle after battle over the years and then we lost. I hate losing and I hate losing Nan even more. She was mine to protect, to support, to hold and to cherish. Now there is void that nothing even comes close to filling. You help when you reach out, like lunch with Arthur tomorrow, I look forward to it, it makes my day, I am not alone because of it.
This world is not my home, I'm just a passing through and it seems alot less like home with Nan gone.
Come Lord Jesus, come soon.
love
tim
I sincerely hope your weekend had as many high points as mine did. Yes in spite of many hours alone here in my home still I have enjoyed some laughs, some good tastes and some accomplishments.
Ken and I walked this morning and found a beautiful day waiting. After a breakfast of shredded wheat and a pear I showered and put on shorts, yes the house is that warm these days. Well the shorts were a good idea until the furnace set back for the day, back to 62 and then it grew a bit cooler. I settled in to work and have accomplished most of my list. Several appraisals are emailed out, others are near to going out, tomorrow is fully researched with maps printed, comps selected and appointments confirmed. I'll leave around 9 to drive to Gilroy to see a ranchette, then hope to have lunch with Art who lives in Gilroy part of the time, then back to Oakland for a 3 pm appointment and then on to Berkeley for a 5 pm appointment. After that the struggle to cope with traffic takes over for the next hour or so. So it will be a good day and I am very thankful for the FHA work from my friend Tom.
This afternoon I could tell something was not right for me blood sugar wise, I felt weak and confused. I had some orange juice and some lunch and eventually I felt better, then later in the afternoon I again felt the effects of low blood sugar. The first time it was 84 and the next it was 87, neither of which is critical but unusally low for me since I've been finding sugar levels of 157 to 279 which is way too high. So something kicked in today to lower the level to a much safer level. Finally this evening I decided to get some air so I backed the bug out and gave it a wash down. Only when I was in town at Longs did I look closer and found that I missed large sections of the car totally in the failing light as I was washing it. I found it very funny and laughed out loud which startled me so then I laughed again on purpose. It felt good to laugh at myself. I was reminded of how often when you have kids who are holding fund raiser car wash do your car they miss sections, well here I who am really quite adult missed large sections.
I tried my hand at boiling eggs today and that worked out well. I love to peel an egg and eat it or put it on a peanut butter sandwich, that part might be beyond what most of you can tolerate but then I like peanut butter a lot. I'm currently using a peanut butter which is designed for diabetics, hope it is the right stuff.
So as I face a new week the bank deposits are in, the bills are pretty much paid for the next couple days, the car has fuel, the decks are doggie deposit cleared, the floors are mopped, the dishwasher is partially loaded waiting for more dishes and pans and the christmas tree remains, waiting for just the right moment to have its beautiful ornaments removed.
I am gradually getting a file system set up in preparation for when Marilyn comes in the spring to sort a huge stack of papers, I know she just loves to sort. I'm afraid my trusty Kodak camera is nearing the last of its useful life. It does not always flash for interior photos anymore, I think it is just tired. I know it has given me nearly 100,000 photos in its lifetime and hardly ever fails. I do not like change, not at all but I think I need to switch to one of the other cameras Nan had purchased from QVC. There are several sitting around and one was being sold on QVC today for $148 that Nan purchased over a year ago, a Pentax 7 megapixel camera with nice features, that might just be the new work camera.
I've felt pretty good this weekend emotion wise. Keanna talks a lot about Nan when she is here and I like that, Keanna will not forget her grammy ever. She made a comment that is so true. She said, Timothy probably won't remember his Grammy will he? I told her that was true but we would show him photos of he and her together and that was the best we could do. She was happy that she and Nikki purchased flowers for Nan's grave to celebrate her birthday. It seems what we are dealing with are very brutal realities, Nan fought a very good fight, she was brave and did all she could and we then lost her to the terrible tumors. Others are still fighting and we had 12 years from the onset of the disease until we lost her. She is gone, that is the brutal fact that is so hard to accept. I am one that loves to solve problems, I took on her war with the tumors personally and did everything in my power to hold them back and we won battle after battle over the years and then we lost. I hate losing and I hate losing Nan even more. She was mine to protect, to support, to hold and to cherish. Now there is void that nothing even comes close to filling. You help when you reach out, like lunch with Arthur tomorrow, I look forward to it, it makes my day, I am not alone because of it.
This world is not my home, I'm just a passing through and it seems alot less like home with Nan gone.
Come Lord Jesus, come soon.
love
tim
Saturday, February 9, 2008
Keanna makes the day
Dear Family and Friends,
Keanna has provided a much appreciated list to my spirits this weekend. She came in last night full of ideas and excitement, she did her puzzle, she helped with dinner, she stalled going to bed as long as possible, then ended up in Grammy's tub and played with pillows, toys and the deep water, then she headed to bed and snuggled under her two special blankets and on her cute little princess pillow, we tried to use a hair dryer but I felt pretty much out of my element trying to get it tangle free and dry. She slept until 7:20 this morning and was suddenly beside my bed looking at me, I never heard her come in. We made breakfast and she discovered she liked my Cuties, Mandarin oranges I buy in a little box at Safeways. She had her toast with jam, sausages with catsup, cereal, milk and a lot of play in between. Then I showered and she dressed and we tried again to brush her hair, I searched the house over for a good brush, found none and ended up hurting her head as I tried to get out the snarls, finally we went with that rough look often seen on runways at fashion shows. Nikki had sent a valentine dress, valentine red shoes and she looked fine. We drove to Sabbath School and on the way the phone rang, it was OSI collections and they wanted money that minute against another $2,000 invoice for John Muir Hospital for the last hospital stay and no they could not wait, well they are waiting, going to send me another letter. That kind of call really effects the day. Fortunately when we got to the SS room we found many children were there, even some new babies had joined the fun. It was a very good program and then it was childrens church where Sylvia had an excellent program prepared about birds including birds that had hit windows and she had kept on ice, feathers for everyone, bird crafts, everyone got to peel a hard boiled egg and eat it. After the program was over we went to a local park where Keanna tried every slide and swing. Then it was time for lunch where Nikki met us as we ate with Bob and Carrol and the Guptils from Lodi. Nikki and Keanna headed home and I was sleepy on the way home so I stopped at the Byron airport and watched jumpers glide to the ground and slept for about an hour, then home for more rest, deck clean up and tonight I tried my new mop bucket. I had grown tired of wringing out the mop with my hands over and over, hands felt like thin paper for weeks afterwards. So I got the offending parts of the floor where puppies had planned accidents cleaned up and then I watched a bit of TV. I miss my social director who always knew just what was on and selected good programs that we could watch. I flip and hardly ever find anything really compelling. Last night we watched the Christian dish and that had good music, beautiful pictures, interviews with missionarys and it seemed worth watching.
I've been chasing stories on the internet tonight and hoping someone had written, sure enough, Dolly had written. It was good to hear from her. Also I read news that Bart Vogel's group is continuing to record for their new CD. That will be great, they have a real ministry with their music and a distinct sound. They are called En Route and he and Debbie along with Karey, Richard and Eddie make the music. for more infor on their group and concerts go to: enroute@entroutemusic.net very interesting things they are doing.
Tomorrow afternoon Nikki flys out for a week of training for her job with the Department of Energy doing audits. I hope she begins to feel better as her heart rate has been elevated, she has had recent dizzy spells and she came home from work on Friday early and to the doctor. I am concerned for her and hope, pray that her trip will not harm her health. Steve will be doing daddy daycare this week and hopefully I will be able to assist him along the way.
So today is another Sabbath without Nan and gradually I'm getting used to them that way. I feel like I'm being dragged kicking and screaming away from her, yet its just reality kicking in. I don't want to forget, to move on, not really, move forward to what?
Some of what I share openly is for the possible use of someone else in the future facing the same situation, perhaps when they read what I feel they can recognize that its OK to feel the same at this point in time.
Life has little joy in it, if it were not for the kids, for Keanna and Timothy, it would be even harder to look forward. They all help so much, and to get to see friends and talk to friends, well that is very special and helps a lot, perhaps more than people would understand, a few minutes with Sylvia, Wes, Dunstons, Lillian, Kim... yes you do make a great difference, the difference between going all day without speaking or getting the silence broken by caring kindness and gentle words.
So another week begins,
Please pray that God will continue to be with me, to guide me, to encourage me to stick with the efforts to be more healthy, even my neighbor LeAnn has now joined the cause to help me find the best foods, she is somewhat of an expert since she has helped Ken get his diabetes under good control. I welcome her input. I have so much to learn and unlearn.
Have a good Sunday and Roger and Carol, enjoy your cruise, your time in the sun, your freedom. Yes I've had my vacation and enjoy yours!
love
Tim
Keanna has provided a much appreciated list to my spirits this weekend. She came in last night full of ideas and excitement, she did her puzzle, she helped with dinner, she stalled going to bed as long as possible, then ended up in Grammy's tub and played with pillows, toys and the deep water, then she headed to bed and snuggled under her two special blankets and on her cute little princess pillow, we tried to use a hair dryer but I felt pretty much out of my element trying to get it tangle free and dry. She slept until 7:20 this morning and was suddenly beside my bed looking at me, I never heard her come in. We made breakfast and she discovered she liked my Cuties, Mandarin oranges I buy in a little box at Safeways. She had her toast with jam, sausages with catsup, cereal, milk and a lot of play in between. Then I showered and she dressed and we tried again to brush her hair, I searched the house over for a good brush, found none and ended up hurting her head as I tried to get out the snarls, finally we went with that rough look often seen on runways at fashion shows. Nikki had sent a valentine dress, valentine red shoes and she looked fine. We drove to Sabbath School and on the way the phone rang, it was OSI collections and they wanted money that minute against another $2,000 invoice for John Muir Hospital for the last hospital stay and no they could not wait, well they are waiting, going to send me another letter. That kind of call really effects the day. Fortunately when we got to the SS room we found many children were there, even some new babies had joined the fun. It was a very good program and then it was childrens church where Sylvia had an excellent program prepared about birds including birds that had hit windows and she had kept on ice, feathers for everyone, bird crafts, everyone got to peel a hard boiled egg and eat it. After the program was over we went to a local park where Keanna tried every slide and swing. Then it was time for lunch where Nikki met us as we ate with Bob and Carrol and the Guptils from Lodi. Nikki and Keanna headed home and I was sleepy on the way home so I stopped at the Byron airport and watched jumpers glide to the ground and slept for about an hour, then home for more rest, deck clean up and tonight I tried my new mop bucket. I had grown tired of wringing out the mop with my hands over and over, hands felt like thin paper for weeks afterwards. So I got the offending parts of the floor where puppies had planned accidents cleaned up and then I watched a bit of TV. I miss my social director who always knew just what was on and selected good programs that we could watch. I flip and hardly ever find anything really compelling. Last night we watched the Christian dish and that had good music, beautiful pictures, interviews with missionarys and it seemed worth watching.
I've been chasing stories on the internet tonight and hoping someone had written, sure enough, Dolly had written. It was good to hear from her. Also I read news that Bart Vogel's group is continuing to record for their new CD. That will be great, they have a real ministry with their music and a distinct sound. They are called En Route and he and Debbie along with Karey, Richard and Eddie make the music. for more infor on their group and concerts go to: enroute@entroutemusic.net very interesting things they are doing.
Tomorrow afternoon Nikki flys out for a week of training for her job with the Department of Energy doing audits. I hope she begins to feel better as her heart rate has been elevated, she has had recent dizzy spells and she came home from work on Friday early and to the doctor. I am concerned for her and hope, pray that her trip will not harm her health. Steve will be doing daddy daycare this week and hopefully I will be able to assist him along the way.
So today is another Sabbath without Nan and gradually I'm getting used to them that way. I feel like I'm being dragged kicking and screaming away from her, yet its just reality kicking in. I don't want to forget, to move on, not really, move forward to what?
Some of what I share openly is for the possible use of someone else in the future facing the same situation, perhaps when they read what I feel they can recognize that its OK to feel the same at this point in time.
Life has little joy in it, if it were not for the kids, for Keanna and Timothy, it would be even harder to look forward. They all help so much, and to get to see friends and talk to friends, well that is very special and helps a lot, perhaps more than people would understand, a few minutes with Sylvia, Wes, Dunstons, Lillian, Kim... yes you do make a great difference, the difference between going all day without speaking or getting the silence broken by caring kindness and gentle words.
So another week begins,
Please pray that God will continue to be with me, to guide me, to encourage me to stick with the efforts to be more healthy, even my neighbor LeAnn has now joined the cause to help me find the best foods, she is somewhat of an expert since she has helped Ken get his diabetes under good control. I welcome her input. I have so much to learn and unlearn.
Have a good Sunday and Roger and Carol, enjoy your cruise, your time in the sun, your freedom. Yes I've had my vacation and enjoy yours!
love
Tim
Friday, February 8, 2008
Friday at last, Keanna has come to visit
Dear Family and Friends,
After a week of ups and downs, of emotional moments and some work related stress events, after hundreds of miles driven safely, after it all there is peace.
First off I am thankful to have such a great family, and then to have caring friends who call and write and pray and listen.
It seems each week brings a deeper awareness of the loss of Nan, of what it really means to say goodbye for good, to hear the last breathing and then silence. Its the most profound quiet ever and I never can get it out of my mind. I had listened to her gentle breathing in hotel rooms around the world, on ship, at the end of the trail in a tent, in the motorhome with rain pounding on the roof, in a hundred hotel rooms, in hospital rooms, in recovery rooms and she always came back, always woke up for another day, another trip, another laugh, another kind word, another look of those incredible deep blue eyes. How can you one accept the loss of what seemed like perfection, of will power over cancer destruction. What was God thinking? Where is He now that she is gone? Were our tearful prayers a waste of time?
I cannot simply be content with forgetting this amazing woman, of letting her slip from my awareness, what would she be doing, feeling right now if I had gone and she had stayed? She worried about that a lot.
Some have wondered, even vocalized that I would probably just all apart without her, that she was glue, the moral compass, the common sense, the stoic determination of our lives. They are right about all of it but I'm here left standing, how can I fall apart when little ones look to me for fun, for stability, for constant love and devotion. There have been times this week when letting go seemed like a good idea except I don't even know what letting go means, stop walking, stop working, lose the house, the cars, declare failure. That does not seem too fun either, I sort of like having a place to live especially now that it is warm with a functioning furnace most of the time.
I'd say don't assume anything of me, when you call or email and I sound OK and fine, don't totally believe it and when I don't sound so good, well don't believe it either. I'm not out of the emotional woods at all, just different paths for different challenges but I continue to have no clear concept of a future without Nan at my side. I've lived as a we, even now I have to stop in conversations and change the we to I. Its my house, my plans because for all these many years it was we, yes we really did plan and live a united life, most of the time we were in agreement on everything and it was very good, it had taken years to build that kind of trust in each others judgement and it was very good, now I forget things, lose things, stumble even when walking at times, crash through life like a drunk, drive too fast, stay up too late, probably work too hard too.
This afternoon I had the great privilege to conduct an appraisal of Sylvia's house in Tracy for estate purposes, we all have to go through such when we suddenly become alone. It was so good to catch up a bit with her mom, Kevin and her about their life. She is so honest, so dedicated to people, to using her time wisely, to living a reasonable life, she is a great inspiration to me, she is also very honest about what she is going through and it humbles me, her days are much more complicated than mine and yet she is holding on well. It was a real honor to get to talk to her and be inspired again by her dedication to her Lord, her family and her church family. I think she is one of the great ones.
As I left I had a chance to see Dave Hardesty, a long time friend and another problem I was facing got partially solved. I'd like to go places on weekend with the motorhome but really am not too excited about doing it alone unless I have family with me and they have their own busy lives. Well Dave was up to going on the church campout with me in the motorhome, he gave him a place to say and for me someone to talk to, to share meals with. I like it.
Nikki sort of worried me this afternoon, she came home from work not feeling well, fast heart beat, upset tummy but no fever, some chills. She checked in with her doctor but there was nothing really concrete to be done, she is set to leave for a week of travel connected to her work and will be in New Mexico so she hopes she feels better. As a dad I was immediatelly concerned as she is well along with her pregnancy. Jason called this afternoon to report Timothy is not in command of his own bottle, he holds it or else and he is very near crawling, oh the adventures they are about to experience!
In the morning Keanna will wake me through the monitor, then we will make breakfast, dress for church, go to SS, then children's church, then to the park for some R&R, then to Olive Garden to meet with other Grampas and Grandmas for lunch. She gets a kick out of seeing them.
This morning I had a very kind call, a call from Valorie, Lloyd's Whites sister. She was offering her help with the AT&T wireless phone issues as she works there. She gave me so many good ideas, it was very nice for her to reach out like that, felt good on my end.
Well its time to wrap this up now. Thanks for listening. I understand that people are still writing messages to the blog only to have them disappear. I am so sorry and I don't know what to do about it. There are no phone numbers to call to find answers to the blog related problems. Right now the spell checker does not work anymore from my end and I have no idea of how to fix it.
Last night I made a wonderful discovery. That fruit basket from Lori just keeps on giving, I found a whole layer of pears and apples that I was unaware of. They are perfect and unbelieveably tasty so thanks again for the basket of fruit. Perfect, perfect, perfect. My roses are finally at the end of their life, thanks Loree for such a beautiful addition to my life.
love
tim
After a week of ups and downs, of emotional moments and some work related stress events, after hundreds of miles driven safely, after it all there is peace.
First off I am thankful to have such a great family, and then to have caring friends who call and write and pray and listen.
It seems each week brings a deeper awareness of the loss of Nan, of what it really means to say goodbye for good, to hear the last breathing and then silence. Its the most profound quiet ever and I never can get it out of my mind. I had listened to her gentle breathing in hotel rooms around the world, on ship, at the end of the trail in a tent, in the motorhome with rain pounding on the roof, in a hundred hotel rooms, in hospital rooms, in recovery rooms and she always came back, always woke up for another day, another trip, another laugh, another kind word, another look of those incredible deep blue eyes. How can you one accept the loss of what seemed like perfection, of will power over cancer destruction. What was God thinking? Where is He now that she is gone? Were our tearful prayers a waste of time?
I cannot simply be content with forgetting this amazing woman, of letting her slip from my awareness, what would she be doing, feeling right now if I had gone and she had stayed? She worried about that a lot.
Some have wondered, even vocalized that I would probably just all apart without her, that she was glue, the moral compass, the common sense, the stoic determination of our lives. They are right about all of it but I'm here left standing, how can I fall apart when little ones look to me for fun, for stability, for constant love and devotion. There have been times this week when letting go seemed like a good idea except I don't even know what letting go means, stop walking, stop working, lose the house, the cars, declare failure. That does not seem too fun either, I sort of like having a place to live especially now that it is warm with a functioning furnace most of the time.
I'd say don't assume anything of me, when you call or email and I sound OK and fine, don't totally believe it and when I don't sound so good, well don't believe it either. I'm not out of the emotional woods at all, just different paths for different challenges but I continue to have no clear concept of a future without Nan at my side. I've lived as a we, even now I have to stop in conversations and change the we to I. Its my house, my plans because for all these many years it was we, yes we really did plan and live a united life, most of the time we were in agreement on everything and it was very good, it had taken years to build that kind of trust in each others judgement and it was very good, now I forget things, lose things, stumble even when walking at times, crash through life like a drunk, drive too fast, stay up too late, probably work too hard too.
This afternoon I had the great privilege to conduct an appraisal of Sylvia's house in Tracy for estate purposes, we all have to go through such when we suddenly become alone. It was so good to catch up a bit with her mom, Kevin and her about their life. She is so honest, so dedicated to people, to using her time wisely, to living a reasonable life, she is a great inspiration to me, she is also very honest about what she is going through and it humbles me, her days are much more complicated than mine and yet she is holding on well. It was a real honor to get to talk to her and be inspired again by her dedication to her Lord, her family and her church family. I think she is one of the great ones.
As I left I had a chance to see Dave Hardesty, a long time friend and another problem I was facing got partially solved. I'd like to go places on weekend with the motorhome but really am not too excited about doing it alone unless I have family with me and they have their own busy lives. Well Dave was up to going on the church campout with me in the motorhome, he gave him a place to say and for me someone to talk to, to share meals with. I like it.
Nikki sort of worried me this afternoon, she came home from work not feeling well, fast heart beat, upset tummy but no fever, some chills. She checked in with her doctor but there was nothing really concrete to be done, she is set to leave for a week of travel connected to her work and will be in New Mexico so she hopes she feels better. As a dad I was immediatelly concerned as she is well along with her pregnancy. Jason called this afternoon to report Timothy is not in command of his own bottle, he holds it or else and he is very near crawling, oh the adventures they are about to experience!
In the morning Keanna will wake me through the monitor, then we will make breakfast, dress for church, go to SS, then children's church, then to the park for some R&R, then to Olive Garden to meet with other Grampas and Grandmas for lunch. She gets a kick out of seeing them.
This morning I had a very kind call, a call from Valorie, Lloyd's Whites sister. She was offering her help with the AT&T wireless phone issues as she works there. She gave me so many good ideas, it was very nice for her to reach out like that, felt good on my end.
Well its time to wrap this up now. Thanks for listening. I understand that people are still writing messages to the blog only to have them disappear. I am so sorry and I don't know what to do about it. There are no phone numbers to call to find answers to the blog related problems. Right now the spell checker does not work anymore from my end and I have no idea of how to fix it.
Last night I made a wonderful discovery. That fruit basket from Lori just keeps on giving, I found a whole layer of pears and apples that I was unaware of. They are perfect and unbelieveably tasty so thanks again for the basket of fruit. Perfect, perfect, perfect. My roses are finally at the end of their life, thanks Loree for such a beautiful addition to my life.
love
tim
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