A day of decision

Dear Family and Friends,
As many of you know over and over again money has arrived just in time to cover the house payment over the past 2 years. That is until today, no money and tomorrow the payment hits the account. In some small way I feel like I did after I lost Nan to the cancer, I just could not get my mind around God letting her go and in a minor way I feel the same tonight, let down, deflated. I'm not sure how to work through it at this point.
In spite of the way I feel I've stayed with the work today and written a Patterson appraisal, did some busy work, set up two new orders, had a healthy lunch with brown rice, cottage cheese and tomatoes, oatmeal for breakfast, strawberries and I even tried something new with some yogurt and blue berries. It turned out to be excellent and so filling.
This evening Ray and Lois suggested we go to $5 night pizza at a local place so we did. This time I drank water, just trying to get down enough water and Marilyn bought me a salad too.
At this point I can think of little else other than finding a way to get the bills paid. I really hate even thinking about finances, I just want to work hard, be very careful what I spend and help others have a good life. I guess tonight I feel a bit abandoned. I keep thinking things would be different if Nan were here but of course we cannot know that, she is not here.
Tomorrow morning I'll drive to Concord to see a house, the order came this evening through the fax and I thought the fax was broken when I heard it start up. Unfortunately tomorrow's visit will be an invoice, not COD, tough to cope with. But then I head back to pick up Keanna at 12:45 from school. So for a few hours things will lighten up and we will read, play, travel to the park and enjoy.
So thats it for this evening. I try to write upbeat messages however I also try to be honest and share the real struggles of what life is like after one loses a loved one and tries to make it forward again.
Sending love to all,

Tim