Counting the hours

Dear Family and Friends,
In just a few hours Nan will have been gone for 2 full years. On that fateful evening so long ago Nan's breathing has shallowed and slowed and we knew our time together was short. All of us had made our peace with Nan and told her her fight had been a perfect one but she should feel free to rest. Sharon had finally run out of time and had to return to Texas. For weeks I had been sleeping in the big blue recliner in the family room near the hospital bed. Each night Nan would stir several times searching for her flashlight or a sip of water and I would hear her and jump up and help her. She was always so sweet and would touch my hand or relax when she saw I was beside her. Then she would settle down and go back to sleep. On the last night I pulled the recliner next to the bed so I could face her while she slept and hear any movement. During the night I observed that her breathing was more and more gentle and about 5 in the morning I heard her take a couple extra breaths and then there was silence. It was a moment which is frozen in my memory and in that moment everything changed. This stunningly beautiful girl who said yes to a life with me, who made music with me for 36 years, who brought the most wonderful little babies into this world, who lived intensely, who loved lavishly, who shopped incessantly, who could cut you down with a look, who could brighten your day with a smile, this woman who had created a world I loved, she now was lost to the ages. No one knows why or how GIST arrives or how long it has been there lingering in the body before it begins to explode with uncontrolled growth but its effects are terrible. It took my baby away.
For the most part I am not bitter, more lost than angry, stumbling about searching for the next step, for a reason to work so hard, fail so much, hurt so often.
When I look about and my eyes fall on others who have lost loves ones they all seem to be doing fine, is that how I look to a causal observer and what does it mean when someone says, how are you doing and you say, I'm OK. What is OK? Is it getting up every day, going through life's motions of eating, showering, dressing, working? Does that mean one is OK? Well yes it does to an outside observer and then there are those on the inner circle who know the truth.
One powerful thing I learned from the time spent in the grief group, that when survivors get a chance to speak to other survivors nearly everything they say is quite different from conversations with those who have not lost.
In a very real way when your lover dies much of you dies as well. Those parts of your life together that meant the most, tender and caring moments, safe times when you were totally secure in your someones love and life, moments behind closed doors when you were home, at one, you two versus the world. All of that is wiped out with your lovers last breath. Now you are in a little boat as life sails away, you are rowing in an angry sea alone, frightened, defeated, wondering if your little gestures, your little private ways would ever be appreciated again, all that made life really special and worth living is wiped out in a blink.
You know many others are rowing their little boats too, you often meet and even sometimes you can share and talk but its not the same at all. You wonder, was it worth it to love so much, to invest so much of everything in someone and then see them pulled away yet you know it was good, very good, right, blessed.
So at moments like this I remember much, I miss much, I feel the emptiness that has become so normal, so usual it has become almost a new way of life.
There are very bright moments, moments with these precious people called family, like tonight with Keanna at gymnastics and then dinner. Out of her six year old running commentary sometimes there are these special moments when what she says makes so much sense, it is just special. And playing with Timothy last week, watching him develop, seeing him grow before your eyes. Life is not devoid of bright moments and they are precious, appreciated and treasured but they are not a substitute for the wealth of a caring on going relationship between two adults growing old together.
So at this point I run the memories, smile at the high points, shake my head at the low ones and strive to be of some help to anyone along the way.
Nan was not perfect but she was a very special woman, sexy, stubborn, fast driving, caring, driven who loved the people she felt were hers to love in very amazing ways. I am totally blessed to have been the one she selected and I'm deeply grateful to God for the honor of being her Rock as she needed me in her final years. I did well at the finish and she knew I loved her very much.
love to all our family and friends,

tim