I hate to say goodbye

The sun set quickly in Hawaii. Here it is working its way down behind our unit.

Keanna is watching a Dora the Explorer web page which is a new discovery for her.

Kallie is stopped by the camera in one of her many fun filled games with her daddy.

Here is home away from home 25103.

Our view looking up the fairway toward the distant mountains where it always rains

Our view from our lanai. Nice any time of day or night and unforgettable.

Here goes,

In my lifetime I've never learned how to enjoy parting with people I care about. I live in a world that is heavy with emotion and hopefully based on principle most of the time. So when I contemplate boarding a jet out of here tomorrow I do so with no joy for I'm leaving behind people I care deeply about and I think my being with them enhances their lives in some little way.

I can remember many years ago when Nan would fly home once in a while to visit her family in Texas. Each time I thought my heart would break as I saw her walk away. Who knew what was to come.

Then there came a time when Nikki and Jason began to grow up and they ventured out into the world to discover their lives and every time it meant saying good bye and watching them drive, fly or walk away. It never got easier. Jason used to ask his mom to take him to the airport as he grew tired of having to console me as we waited for his plane to leave for Texas and his life there at the University. Or seeing Steve and Nikki as they left for Portland in a UHaul and a car, heading for a new life which they came to love.

There were many many good byes with Nan as the cancer progressed. Even the ones at night when I would head home leaving her in the hospital or walking the few short blocks to the hotel and leaving her in Brigham and Womens in Boston. It never grew easier or desirable even though the days were long and many times bleak.

Letting go of someone you care about, someone you enjoy, someone who knows you really well and still loves you, that process of letting go is one I've not mastered.

The most heart rendering was watching a white van turn the corner with Nan's body the morning she died. No one should have to endure that kind of loss, of separation. At least her days of suffering and loss were over and she was a rest, peacefully waiting for the Lord's return.

You would think I would be used to it after all these years, of saying good bye over and over again. Does it come easy for you? Does it really?

This time I'm leaving 4 very precious people who are all at different stages of their lives. Little Kallie is amazing. I had her this morning from about 8 until about 2. What fun we had. She would run and play and then bring me a book to read or raid the frig seeking more milk or a cookie. Finally she signalled she was ready for a nap after presenting me with a diaper no Pappa should ever have to deal with! Wow was that special and she laughed and grinned all through it like she had just pulled the biggest joke on her Pappa.

While she slept I fired up my home computer via a remote system and wrote an entire appraisal, inserted photos, did the map and emailed the completed report to the lender on time. I'm not saying it was easy but it did happen.

I'm just back from one last session in the huge spa at the center. It was nice to relax in the warm water for a few minutes.

In the morning we will wake at 5:30 or so when Kallie decides she is through with sleeping and she will race about playing, smiling, laughing and reminding me why it was worth the ticket to come. Keanna will roll out a bit later and she too will be full of fun and games, humor and non stop story telling. Then all too soon I'll head for the little Kona airport with its tiny security detail and board a flight for Honolulu where I'll board another flight for Oakland. 5 hours later I'll step into the cold reality of battling bills, trying to find work assignments and living alone. I do not look forward to it at all yet at this point that's the next step for me. How thankful I am that I've had these days with the kidos in this perfect place. I appreciate Nikki and Steve letting me stay with them, I know it strains their routines to have me here all the time.

So I will see you soon.

As I am flying home tomorrow Jason, Jo and Timothy are flying to Denver for Christmas with Jo's mom and family. Timothy has been pretty ill this week so we pray he makes the trip without pain and suffering. They are flying to a pretty cold place but will enjoy seeing family members they've not seen for years, some even from Australia.

So I say good bye to you tonight, what a horrible concept of having to leave someone you love but the other side is reunions and soon there will be one with our loving Lord that will help us forget all our tearful goodbyes for good.

Love

tim