Dear Family and Friends,
I'm just back from a shortened workout at the club. The oral surgeon said I could workout today but it was very hard work and my heart was really roaring so I scaled back to 2 reps of 12 instead of 3 and I'm still breathing hard even now that I'm home.
Today has primarily been a day to do those things that would generate income the fastest. It has paid off as I made a pretty good deposit on my way to the gym. Now I need to settle down and crank out a bunch of work that is due clients.
I've hardly had a chance to think today as between phones calls, emails and working the computer I've kept busy. Every once in awhile I'd try to find something I could eat without too much pain. I'm using much less pain meds now and have backed off the vicodin at least for now.
Many of you will have had teeth pulled before and you know the recovery curve is pretty quick. This evening I had noodles and mushroom soup which went down soft and tasty. I started the day with tea which was also soothing.
I feel like I need to say something profound as the end of the year approaches but I don't feel much. A life I remember well and that I enjoyed profoundly is over and in its place is uncertainty, momentary glimpses of joy, loneliness and defeat. I'd like to sugarcoat it with happy faces but I can't. I've tried to be honest with the blog, no I've not shared everything that has happened but I've shared most of it, always thinking it might help someone else in their walk.
I think what I miss most is the ability to give, to help, to solve problems, to lift people up, now it seems to be much to much about me, not others and looking out for ones self does not bring joy or meaning at all. I want to love, to help, to cure, to solve, to help smiles come back on faces, to see hope reenter long faces.
How I appreciate you family and friends, I'm just sorry that so much has changed that I can no longer be the problem solver, at least not right now. Yet I don't sense any less caring on your part, in fact more so and I appreciate that. It is new to need.
love
tim
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Less pain more life
Dear Family and Friends,
Wow this day has been packed with wonderfully helpful friends. This morning Sylvia arrived at 9:15 to drive me to Richmond to conduct an appraisal. How nice not to have to worry about driving with pain meds. We really had a great time and by the time I was back to the van she had the comps plotted on the map and we quickly found them and then she drove me back. It turned what was a morning I was secretly dreading into a day of joy and fun. Thank you Sylvia, it was great to have your expert driving even in Richmond where things are always a little more exciting.
When we got back to the house we found some soft food for me to eat and then Sylvia headed home to the big city, Tracy and I waited for Pam to arrive. At 3 she drove in and we quickly headed for SF airport where she was catching a plane for a vacation away. We had fun and the traffic seemed to part for her so the trip was rapid. I enjoyed driving her car back and in spite of it having a lot of miles it drives like a dream. Nikki caught me as I was about to turn onto Vasco Road, she reported she had seen at least 3 ambulances heading to Vasco, that usually means the road will be closed soon due to an accident. Knowing in advance I selected another way home and arrived in the rain a little while later.
Lois came over to enjoy a nice fire with her wood burning and we shared a desert of pudding, again something soft. Now she is gone and I think the calls from friends and family are through. How nice it is to stay in touch with Jerry and Donna. They live very near Mt Shasta and have weather that is a bit more intense, frequent snows, very cold nights, winds, real winter. Their wood stove burns for far more than just the beauty, it helps heat the house. I was glad to hear that Joyce had made it back from sunny San Diego and that our wild new years even party is still on, oh the scandal!
Amazingly work is picking up. I've received several orders in the last two days so its time to be done with tooth pain and get back to work. Ken just called to say there is a 70% chance of rain in the morning so another day will pass without our walking the course. I have mixed feelings about that, I'm anxious to hear how Ken has been doing but I really don't mind sleeping in with warm blankets pulled tight.
My mouth is beginning to regain a bit of normalcy, still very hard to open wide to take pills and the socket hurts unless covered with Vicodin. I'm going easy on that thought since driving and prescription drugs don't go well together and I think I have work out in the field tomorrow.
For now I'm going to express my thanks to those who have called or emailed words of encouragement. Especially I'm thankful for Nikki and Jason. They really are incredible and so kind to their old dad. They warm my day when they call.
I'm thankful to God for being close over the last few days. Being alone, older and hurting badly is not fun, its scary and unsettling.
Love to all,
tim
Wow this day has been packed with wonderfully helpful friends. This morning Sylvia arrived at 9:15 to drive me to Richmond to conduct an appraisal. How nice not to have to worry about driving with pain meds. We really had a great time and by the time I was back to the van she had the comps plotted on the map and we quickly found them and then she drove me back. It turned what was a morning I was secretly dreading into a day of joy and fun. Thank you Sylvia, it was great to have your expert driving even in Richmond where things are always a little more exciting.
When we got back to the house we found some soft food for me to eat and then Sylvia headed home to the big city, Tracy and I waited for Pam to arrive. At 3 she drove in and we quickly headed for SF airport where she was catching a plane for a vacation away. We had fun and the traffic seemed to part for her so the trip was rapid. I enjoyed driving her car back and in spite of it having a lot of miles it drives like a dream. Nikki caught me as I was about to turn onto Vasco Road, she reported she had seen at least 3 ambulances heading to Vasco, that usually means the road will be closed soon due to an accident. Knowing in advance I selected another way home and arrived in the rain a little while later.
Lois came over to enjoy a nice fire with her wood burning and we shared a desert of pudding, again something soft. Now she is gone and I think the calls from friends and family are through. How nice it is to stay in touch with Jerry and Donna. They live very near Mt Shasta and have weather that is a bit more intense, frequent snows, very cold nights, winds, real winter. Their wood stove burns for far more than just the beauty, it helps heat the house. I was glad to hear that Joyce had made it back from sunny San Diego and that our wild new years even party is still on, oh the scandal!
Amazingly work is picking up. I've received several orders in the last two days so its time to be done with tooth pain and get back to work. Ken just called to say there is a 70% chance of rain in the morning so another day will pass without our walking the course. I have mixed feelings about that, I'm anxious to hear how Ken has been doing but I really don't mind sleeping in with warm blankets pulled tight.
My mouth is beginning to regain a bit of normalcy, still very hard to open wide to take pills and the socket hurts unless covered with Vicodin. I'm going easy on that thought since driving and prescription drugs don't go well together and I think I have work out in the field tomorrow.
For now I'm going to express my thanks to those who have called or emailed words of encouragement. Especially I'm thankful for Nikki and Jason. They really are incredible and so kind to their old dad. They warm my day when they call.
I'm thankful to God for being close over the last few days. Being alone, older and hurting badly is not fun, its scary and unsettling.
Love to all,
tim
Monday, December 28, 2009
Raining dentists
Dear Family and Friends and newly acquired dental friends as well!
After a really decent night I showered and called Mike Todorovic the local dentist. The lady that answered told me that she had already left a message for me, I could come in at 8:30. So with great reservations I walked in, filled out the info sheet and was quickly seated in a beautiful office. The wall was glass and beyond the glass was a lagoon. After an xray Mike came and chatted with me, after looking over the tooth and the xray he said that a root canal was the only way to save the tooth. He also pointed out that if that tooth were gone two teeth in the upper jaw would begin to move. Since he know that the local guys charged $1,800 for a root canal he referred me to a team that works in Antioch and Concord. Yes they had a cancellation and could see me at 11:15 so with even more trepidation I started my trip to Concord. They would only charge $1,050 for their hour of specialized work. So once again upon arriving I filled out three pages of paperwork and was ushered into the little room with the "chair". This time the glass wall looked out onto a parking lot. After a few minutes and another xray they began. I had been so filled with self doubt since in the past I've been what is called a gagger, I gag easily if something is placed deep in my mouth. In fact the last root canal had been called off and rescheduled with a second doctor in attendance to put me to sleep and hopefully wake me. Loren had been kind enough to drive me there, wait and then drive me home. However the second doctor added another $1,000 to the fees so that one had cost me over $2,100. So my prayer was that I could breath through my nose, listen to my book, do anything to allow him to complete his work. It was all in vain. After just a few minutes of scraping and drilling he stopped, laid down his tools and said he could not do it, the tooth was cracked and would have to be removed. Well my heart sank over that. His fee was only an office visit, $150 and once again I was in the car with a phone number to call. Dr. Mikes office had urged that I try Dr. Arrow in Brentwood. I called and was told they would fit me in but it could take some time. With an eye on a possible appointment to see a house in Richmond at 4 I left for Brentwood.
When I arrived at his beautiful office I was given a clipboard with 3 forms to fill out. By this time I was getting pretty good at this part, didn't even gag while doing it. Then I was ushered to a corner office and after some time met the doctor, a totally nice person. He explained all the neat things that could happen including death, I signed away my life and then I was moved to the operating room. After about a hour he and a crew surrounded me, draped me, shot me full of juice and began to grind, break, tear and pull. Amazingly I just kept breathing through my nose but it seemed so far away I had to really concentrate of breaking there. After what seemed like at least forever he softly told me he only had one more root to get out and then he was done. I left after signing another credit care tag for $266 and was suddenly on the street driving home. I had a wad of gauze about as big as a tissue box crammed between jaws and into the empty socket. That made me want to gag all the way home. One of the helping ladies told me I should get a milk shake to enjoy. As I drove I wondered if she was kidding, how could I get any milkshake down with all this gauze in my mouth, so I skipped the milkshake and drove home. Phone call after phone call came in but I could not talk and I think they just wanted money.
So as reflect on the day there is very little joy in it but there is promise that at some point in the future this tooth and now its empty socket will cease with the pain and I move forward.
Hopefully by morning I'll feel better and be able to take care of that house in Richmond for the rush appraisal. In spite of many setbacks and disappointments this day has delivered I was touched by the professionalism of all three offices. Meeting Mike again after all these years only confirmed why he is held in high esteem by many in Discovery Bay. He is a real gentleman and is very kind and hopeful.
Thank you to Art, Sylvia, Nikki, Jason, Lois and Ray for your encouragement today. I hope to be walking again soon with Ken but I doubt if it is tomorrow. Since the tooth encounter I've lost 5 lbs which is a nice by product of limited intake.
So I bid you an early good night. I plan to be asleep as soon as I can find something to eat.
Love to all
Tim
After a really decent night I showered and called Mike Todorovic the local dentist. The lady that answered told me that she had already left a message for me, I could come in at 8:30. So with great reservations I walked in, filled out the info sheet and was quickly seated in a beautiful office. The wall was glass and beyond the glass was a lagoon. After an xray Mike came and chatted with me, after looking over the tooth and the xray he said that a root canal was the only way to save the tooth. He also pointed out that if that tooth were gone two teeth in the upper jaw would begin to move. Since he know that the local guys charged $1,800 for a root canal he referred me to a team that works in Antioch and Concord. Yes they had a cancellation and could see me at 11:15 so with even more trepidation I started my trip to Concord. They would only charge $1,050 for their hour of specialized work. So once again upon arriving I filled out three pages of paperwork and was ushered into the little room with the "chair". This time the glass wall looked out onto a parking lot. After a few minutes and another xray they began. I had been so filled with self doubt since in the past I've been what is called a gagger, I gag easily if something is placed deep in my mouth. In fact the last root canal had been called off and rescheduled with a second doctor in attendance to put me to sleep and hopefully wake me. Loren had been kind enough to drive me there, wait and then drive me home. However the second doctor added another $1,000 to the fees so that one had cost me over $2,100. So my prayer was that I could breath through my nose, listen to my book, do anything to allow him to complete his work. It was all in vain. After just a few minutes of scraping and drilling he stopped, laid down his tools and said he could not do it, the tooth was cracked and would have to be removed. Well my heart sank over that. His fee was only an office visit, $150 and once again I was in the car with a phone number to call. Dr. Mikes office had urged that I try Dr. Arrow in Brentwood. I called and was told they would fit me in but it could take some time. With an eye on a possible appointment to see a house in Richmond at 4 I left for Brentwood.
When I arrived at his beautiful office I was given a clipboard with 3 forms to fill out. By this time I was getting pretty good at this part, didn't even gag while doing it. Then I was ushered to a corner office and after some time met the doctor, a totally nice person. He explained all the neat things that could happen including death, I signed away my life and then I was moved to the operating room. After about a hour he and a crew surrounded me, draped me, shot me full of juice and began to grind, break, tear and pull. Amazingly I just kept breathing through my nose but it seemed so far away I had to really concentrate of breaking there. After what seemed like at least forever he softly told me he only had one more root to get out and then he was done. I left after signing another credit care tag for $266 and was suddenly on the street driving home. I had a wad of gauze about as big as a tissue box crammed between jaws and into the empty socket. That made me want to gag all the way home. One of the helping ladies told me I should get a milk shake to enjoy. As I drove I wondered if she was kidding, how could I get any milkshake down with all this gauze in my mouth, so I skipped the milkshake and drove home. Phone call after phone call came in but I could not talk and I think they just wanted money.
So as reflect on the day there is very little joy in it but there is promise that at some point in the future this tooth and now its empty socket will cease with the pain and I move forward.
Hopefully by morning I'll feel better and be able to take care of that house in Richmond for the rush appraisal. In spite of many setbacks and disappointments this day has delivered I was touched by the professionalism of all three offices. Meeting Mike again after all these years only confirmed why he is held in high esteem by many in Discovery Bay. He is a real gentleman and is very kind and hopeful.
Thank you to Art, Sylvia, Nikki, Jason, Lois and Ray for your encouragement today. I hope to be walking again soon with Ken but I doubt if it is tomorrow. Since the tooth encounter I've lost 5 lbs which is a nice by product of limited intake.
So I bid you an early good night. I plan to be asleep as soon as I can find something to eat.
Love to all
Tim
Sunday, December 27, 2009
More Pain!!
Hi
As I write I've just completed sipping a bowl of soup and while I have to eat something the nasty tooth really sets up a roar when disturbed in any way.
Thanks to a full vicodin at bedtime last night I slept a full night and didn't get out of the cozy bed until 8:45. Sleeping is preferred to being awake. I had a yogurt and oatmeal for breakfast and then prepared to drive to Palo Alto for a driveby inspection. I found that a Starbucks felt good on the hurting area and I stretched it out to the bay. On the way home I located a Taco Bell and had a little bowl of beans and a burrito. I can tell by my bodies signs when I have to eat something due to low blood sugar.
I drove home and managed to chat with friends, even talking causes a degree of pain. At this point the pain is more widespread than just the tooth so I'm not sure what is going on. In the morning I plan to visit the office of Mike Todorovic our local dentist. I hope he can provide some help. I have work to do but the pain is so intense that I just want to sleep.
This evening I borrowed a nice piece of wood from Ray and Lois and have enjoyed the fire it produced. Starr and I have been tucked under our favorite blanket and watched some uplifting CSI New York and Bones.
I just took another full pain pill so I have a bit before it kicks in and I need to be in bed when that happens. I feel pretty helpless right now as the pain dominates everything. This evening was helped by calls to Jerry, Jason and Dolly. In spite of the pain of talking it was better than doing nothing.
One of my clients emailed to ask if I could do a 24 hour rush on one in Antioch. I think I can, sure hope so, I never want to let clients down.
Please remember me in your prayers tonight. I've been praying too in hopes some help will be found soon. I've been careful to take the antibiotics which should hold off the infection.
I am so thankful to have a warm house with a nice wood stove, firewood from Ron and Art, Jerry and tonight Ray and Lois. I've always found a warm fire to be a spirits booster and frankly the heat it generates tonight has been great too.
Love to all,
Tim
As I write I've just completed sipping a bowl of soup and while I have to eat something the nasty tooth really sets up a roar when disturbed in any way.
Thanks to a full vicodin at bedtime last night I slept a full night and didn't get out of the cozy bed until 8:45. Sleeping is preferred to being awake. I had a yogurt and oatmeal for breakfast and then prepared to drive to Palo Alto for a driveby inspection. I found that a Starbucks felt good on the hurting area and I stretched it out to the bay. On the way home I located a Taco Bell and had a little bowl of beans and a burrito. I can tell by my bodies signs when I have to eat something due to low blood sugar.
I drove home and managed to chat with friends, even talking causes a degree of pain. At this point the pain is more widespread than just the tooth so I'm not sure what is going on. In the morning I plan to visit the office of Mike Todorovic our local dentist. I hope he can provide some help. I have work to do but the pain is so intense that I just want to sleep.
This evening I borrowed a nice piece of wood from Ray and Lois and have enjoyed the fire it produced. Starr and I have been tucked under our favorite blanket and watched some uplifting CSI New York and Bones.
I just took another full pain pill so I have a bit before it kicks in and I need to be in bed when that happens. I feel pretty helpless right now as the pain dominates everything. This evening was helped by calls to Jerry, Jason and Dolly. In spite of the pain of talking it was better than doing nothing.
One of my clients emailed to ask if I could do a 24 hour rush on one in Antioch. I think I can, sure hope so, I never want to let clients down.
Please remember me in your prayers tonight. I've been praying too in hopes some help will be found soon. I've been careful to take the antibiotics which should hold off the infection.
I am so thankful to have a warm house with a nice wood stove, firewood from Ron and Art, Jerry and tonight Ray and Lois. I've always found a warm fire to be a spirits booster and frankly the heat it generates tonight has been great too.
Love to all,
Tim
Saturday, December 26, 2009
Pain
Dear Family and Friends
Last night was unbelievable. As the evening progressed the pain increased, increased to a point where I could not sleep. Finally at 2:30 this morning I came down and found the bottle of vicodin which expired 5/08 but I took a pill anyway. In a few minutes the pain began to decrease and in a short time I fell asleep. While I was asleep I had a dream, a wonderful dream where Nan was younger and we had fun talking to each other. When I woke this morning I remembered the dream and joked to myself that I'd take Vicodin again just to have the same dream.
This morning I got to take Keanna to Sabbath School, she was dressed so nicely and brought her American Girl doll with her. She and Sylvia had a great time as she was the only student today in Sylvia's class.
After Sabbath School Nikki met me at Smile Care, a local dental group that are open on Saturdays as a rule. They confirmed that I had a serious cavity which is causing the pain and laid out options for me, they would pull it for about $350 but said if I hoped to save the tooth I'd need a root canal and a crown, neither come cheaply. So I walked out with prescriptions for new vicodin and antibiotics which I will take for 7 days. On Monday my dentist, Mick Todorovic will be back from Palm Springs and is willing to see me. He lives and works right here in Discovery Bay and is loved by this community. All of this is very poor timing as I'm trying to collect enough funds to cover the house payment and I'm far short so far of reaching my goal.
In a few minutes I'll take another pay pill and head for bed in anticipation of rest, how I hope it can happen.
When I finally got home this afternoon with my prescriptions I built a nice fire and used a lot that I've had for about 10 years that I thought was too big for the stove. This afternoon I brought it in a started pushing it in, well it was too big but I found as I peeled off some of the heavy bark it slipped right in. It is still burning now with a beautiful fire and warmth that just sets the mood. Starr has been with me the entire afternoon and evening with her little head settled on my knee. I think she is cute.
Tomorrow I'll drive to Palo Alto to do a driveby and then come back to warm up. It was so good to see my friends in Sabbath School today and there is always something to learn or be reminded of. Its sort of a refuge from the busy and crazy world.
So this evening I'm reminded again of pain yet the pain I'm experiencing is minor compared to the pain that cancer patients endure every day. Gives one a bit of empathy for those who have gone before.
love to all
Tim
Last night was unbelievable. As the evening progressed the pain increased, increased to a point where I could not sleep. Finally at 2:30 this morning I came down and found the bottle of vicodin which expired 5/08 but I took a pill anyway. In a few minutes the pain began to decrease and in a short time I fell asleep. While I was asleep I had a dream, a wonderful dream where Nan was younger and we had fun talking to each other. When I woke this morning I remembered the dream and joked to myself that I'd take Vicodin again just to have the same dream.
This morning I got to take Keanna to Sabbath School, she was dressed so nicely and brought her American Girl doll with her. She and Sylvia had a great time as she was the only student today in Sylvia's class.
After Sabbath School Nikki met me at Smile Care, a local dental group that are open on Saturdays as a rule. They confirmed that I had a serious cavity which is causing the pain and laid out options for me, they would pull it for about $350 but said if I hoped to save the tooth I'd need a root canal and a crown, neither come cheaply. So I walked out with prescriptions for new vicodin and antibiotics which I will take for 7 days. On Monday my dentist, Mick Todorovic will be back from Palm Springs and is willing to see me. He lives and works right here in Discovery Bay and is loved by this community. All of this is very poor timing as I'm trying to collect enough funds to cover the house payment and I'm far short so far of reaching my goal.
In a few minutes I'll take another pay pill and head for bed in anticipation of rest, how I hope it can happen.
When I finally got home this afternoon with my prescriptions I built a nice fire and used a lot that I've had for about 10 years that I thought was too big for the stove. This afternoon I brought it in a started pushing it in, well it was too big but I found as I peeled off some of the heavy bark it slipped right in. It is still burning now with a beautiful fire and warmth that just sets the mood. Starr has been with me the entire afternoon and evening with her little head settled on my knee. I think she is cute.
Tomorrow I'll drive to Palo Alto to do a driveby and then come back to warm up. It was so good to see my friends in Sabbath School today and there is always something to learn or be reminded of. Its sort of a refuge from the busy and crazy world.
So this evening I'm reminded again of pain yet the pain I'm experiencing is minor compared to the pain that cancer patients endure every day. Gives one a bit of empathy for those who have gone before.
love to all
Tim
Friday, December 25, 2009
Christmas
Good evening,
What a rewarding day. This morning I joined the family. The girls had risen early because they were still on the Hawaiian time. The tree was beautiful and bulging with lovely presents. Kallie and Keanna raced about in anticipation of the chance to begin opening.
It is very amusing to observe Kallie open presents. Having been taught so far that we don't tear or destroy things all of a sudden she is encouraged to rip and tear. She learned fast. Keanna was thrilled to Santa's gift of the American Girl doll. It was all she has talked of months. Nikki had been able to obtain many of the clothes and other accessories through Ebay. Keanna thought she was in heaven and then came the DS. Its an amazing little hand held device which she enjoyed from that moment on. Kallie was thrilled with her Barbie electric car.
A subtle pain that I experienced yesterday in my jaw began to grow as the day progressed. During the afternoon it became almost overpowering and while visiting Steve's precious family in Tracy I asked for a pain pill. I took it and got some relief but as the evening has progressed the pain has intensified. Now its 10:30 and I have a full blown tooth ache. I've left messages with a local dentist that I know and also messages with Jim my physician but so far no call backs, not surprising considering that its Christmas. I hope to be able to get through the night with pain meds and if I have to I have vicodin waiting. I don't want to have to do that though since it totally knocks me out. I hope to be able to locate some dental help tomorrow. The tooth that is hurting is one that has long had a filling and a new cavity must have opened elsewhere in the tooth. So this could be one interesting night. I also found a box of Zithromax 250mg antibiotic so I took two of those to try to deal with any infection that might be involved.
So now I'm heading for bed and putting my trust in the Lord to see me through the night. No fun to hurt but it has been a really meaningful day.
Love
tim
ps, if you read this and have any ideas call me 925-634-6132.
What a rewarding day. This morning I joined the family. The girls had risen early because they were still on the Hawaiian time. The tree was beautiful and bulging with lovely presents. Kallie and Keanna raced about in anticipation of the chance to begin opening.
It is very amusing to observe Kallie open presents. Having been taught so far that we don't tear or destroy things all of a sudden she is encouraged to rip and tear. She learned fast. Keanna was thrilled to Santa's gift of the American Girl doll. It was all she has talked of months. Nikki had been able to obtain many of the clothes and other accessories through Ebay. Keanna thought she was in heaven and then came the DS. Its an amazing little hand held device which she enjoyed from that moment on. Kallie was thrilled with her Barbie electric car.
A subtle pain that I experienced yesterday in my jaw began to grow as the day progressed. During the afternoon it became almost overpowering and while visiting Steve's precious family in Tracy I asked for a pain pill. I took it and got some relief but as the evening has progressed the pain has intensified. Now its 10:30 and I have a full blown tooth ache. I've left messages with a local dentist that I know and also messages with Jim my physician but so far no call backs, not surprising considering that its Christmas. I hope to be able to get through the night with pain meds and if I have to I have vicodin waiting. I don't want to have to do that though since it totally knocks me out. I hope to be able to locate some dental help tomorrow. The tooth that is hurting is one that has long had a filling and a new cavity must have opened elsewhere in the tooth. So this could be one interesting night. I also found a box of Zithromax 250mg antibiotic so I took two of those to try to deal with any infection that might be involved.
So now I'm heading for bed and putting my trust in the Lord to see me through the night. No fun to hurt but it has been a really meaningful day.
Love
tim
ps, if you read this and have any ideas call me 925-634-6132.
Thursday, December 24, 2009
Coping with Christmas
Dear Family and Friends,
10:35 and I'm just back from meeting Nikki and family at the airport. Their flight was on time, it managed to take off before the big joke, Obama landed shutting down the entire airport for a time. They were grateful to be in the air and on their way home. Kallie decided this afternoon was the time to stay awake for the entire trip and she let everyone know she was there and bored for the whole trip. Yet they all survived and met me at the van with all their luggage in hand and we quickly loaded up, placed the child seats in place and drove home.
Knowing it was Christmas eve I had gifts wrapped for the kidos and sitting on the dash board of the van. Keanna spied them and was delighted. As soon as they were settled into the car they opened their little gifts, for Keanna it was a soft pillow with the word princess across the front and was in the shape of a crown. For Kallie it was a tiny ginger bread doll. It was the least I could do to welcome them home and it worked.
Wouldn't you know it was 39 degrees by the time we got home, a bit different from the 80 degrees they have lived with for 2 weeks. Keanna regaled me with stories of learning lots of new fun things to do in the pool, somersaults, cartwheels, all underwater! Seems the little kidos taught each other as they played. Keanna was so excited about seeing sea turtles in the surf and learning to snorkel.
Nikki and Steve survived the trip but are really tired of so much togetherness. I can well remember that same emotion after trips when the kids were tiny. You literally come home from vacation to rest up.
I must share something rather exciting with you regarding my own health. Since returning from Hawaii I've been spared the terrible coughing episodes. Seems the warm humid air really has helped my chest. Not that I'm free of issues. I've noticed that my mollers on both sides are aching, almost like a tooth ache, enough that I took a Motrim before going to the airport and if you know me you know I don't take pain pills lightly.
This has been a low day emotionally. I think the process of Christmas shopping by myself really got to me, first off there is so little money that the gifts are meager, secondly Nan always began to consider gifts in July or so and by now the tree would be supported by dozens of carefully selected gifts, just the right thing, new soxs, shirts, sweater, a tire pump, a new camera. She and Nikki both have the gift of selecting excellent gifts which mean something. Its not an ability I share and as I drove home I just felt very sad and so alone. Calls to friends and family helped a lot. Life is so different, most of the time it is just so drab, no one to love, to help, to serve.
Am I glad that Nikki and Steve are back? You bet. In the morning we will do Christmas at their house. The thing about my kids is they are more than kids or family, they are my friends, what a blessing each and every one of them is!!
How are you doing? What do you like most about Christmas, the whole season? What do you like the least?
When I came home this afternoon I did what I know will help a down mood, I tackled tasks, took all the trash out of the van and got it ready to go to the airport, did a doggie patrol on the back deck and it did need it, did several loads of wash, wrapped presents for the kidos, made a tomato sandwich, watched the Christmas evening show on Fox, it was very good with Mike Huckabee and all the little kids of the various Fox on air people. Great music and dozens of service people in the audience.
When I remember how good it was to experience Christmas when Nan was in her prime it makes me really wonder how anyone could walk away from a family. The life I now live happened in spite of everything we could do to save Nan. She was wonderful in her fight and love of life. I am so proud of what we did together to save her life, yes we did eventually fail but we sure liked the experience of fighting together for life.
I guess the frustration is that now I've learned to really actively love in a manner I would never have guessed I was capable of and now I have no one to extend that love to. Of course I love and care for my kids but I mean in a 24 hour a day relationship with someone of my own.
So my wish and hope for you is that you put everything you have into making this a very good Christmas for those you love and who love you. Go all out while you can!
Love to all,
Tim
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Living a full 24 hours
At 1 am this morning I woke and that was it, I could not sleep, my mind moved from the insane healthcare disaster being shoved down our throats to pressing business related and appraisal questions. Finally in desperation I ventured out into a very cold room, pulled some warm clothes on and came down to the office. Once here I settled in with a little space heater warding off the cold and went to work. At 4 am I was nearly completed with a condo appraisal and decided that I'd try the bed again. This time it worked and the next thing I knew it was bright with light and the clock said 8:30.
All day I've expected to hit a wall sleep wise but it never happened. Can a person get ahead on sleep? This morning I finished up the condo report, did some other research work and then left for Antioch to see a place, it was a mess, sort of looked like everyone just walked out and drove away leaving all manner of personal items and junk. The pool had 2 feet of very brown water creating a serious safety issue, leaves were a foot deep in the back yard and patio areas but the property has a huge corner lot and a very quiet setting. Of course the contract price is about 20K to high for the comps, what else is new?
The next stop was a reinspection in Pacheco, a tiny area near Concord and Martinez. The hole in the wall and the broken door are repaired. Then it was on to a loan officers house to collect two checks, can we say high point of the day!! At this point it is late afternoon and the sun is moving toward the horizon so I speed to Oakland to take a series of photos and managed to shoot the last one just before dark. On the way home I try to do some very specialized Christmas shopping but every place I stopped was already closed. Traffic was slow but eventually I made it home and as I pulled in Nikki called. This is their last night in Kona and they have had another great day. Tomorrow night I'll meet them at the airport after their long flight home. This evening I had a chance to speak with Kallie and Keanna which was a warm moment for my lonely heart. This morning I had that same chance as Timothy engaged me in conversation from Denver. I do appreciate family.
Since I arrived home my life has been very hectic. Hawaii compressed the amount of time I had to get things done and some of the things I've had to complete were as hard as any I've ever done. What used to take an hour now can easily take 3 due to so many new things that have to be covered in the report. Not complaining, its just the way it is.
While I'm grateful to have work I've ended up working every waking moment so there has been no time to do Christmas cards yet or even shopping, no time to do wash or tidy up the family room, no time to even build a fire which I dearly love once in awhile.
I'm a person that covets beautiful music, movies with beautiful scenery and meaningful story lines, tidy surroundings, well prepared food, beauty where ever it can be found. Yet I live in this sterile world which lacks most of these things most of the time. Boring to the max.
Last Sabbath was so special, to enjoy a great worship hour and the really interesting music, to discover that my voice once again actually works, to have a tasty lunch and then a wonderful concert / show in the evening and all of this with genuine friends, it was a wonderful Christmas gift.
Last evening Irene and I had a chance to share for a few minutes and once again I am so very proud of her. In spite of really facing some tough medical issues she continues to hold fast to her faith. She is a powerful inspiration to me and she needs and deserves our prayers.
So I'm signing off now, to go build a small fire, clean the family room, sip some hot mocha and catch my breath for a few minutes.
If I could speak to each of you I would just urge you to calmly enjoy your Christmas relationships with friends and family. Share old and new stories, listen to children read or play, enjoy the TV classics about Christmas, taste the good things loving hands have created, treasure this time while you have it, make the most of it, embrace it, love the ones you are with.
Tim
All day I've expected to hit a wall sleep wise but it never happened. Can a person get ahead on sleep? This morning I finished up the condo report, did some other research work and then left for Antioch to see a place, it was a mess, sort of looked like everyone just walked out and drove away leaving all manner of personal items and junk. The pool had 2 feet of very brown water creating a serious safety issue, leaves were a foot deep in the back yard and patio areas but the property has a huge corner lot and a very quiet setting. Of course the contract price is about 20K to high for the comps, what else is new?
The next stop was a reinspection in Pacheco, a tiny area near Concord and Martinez. The hole in the wall and the broken door are repaired. Then it was on to a loan officers house to collect two checks, can we say high point of the day!! At this point it is late afternoon and the sun is moving toward the horizon so I speed to Oakland to take a series of photos and managed to shoot the last one just before dark. On the way home I try to do some very specialized Christmas shopping but every place I stopped was already closed. Traffic was slow but eventually I made it home and as I pulled in Nikki called. This is their last night in Kona and they have had another great day. Tomorrow night I'll meet them at the airport after their long flight home. This evening I had a chance to speak with Kallie and Keanna which was a warm moment for my lonely heart. This morning I had that same chance as Timothy engaged me in conversation from Denver. I do appreciate family.
Since I arrived home my life has been very hectic. Hawaii compressed the amount of time I had to get things done and some of the things I've had to complete were as hard as any I've ever done. What used to take an hour now can easily take 3 due to so many new things that have to be covered in the report. Not complaining, its just the way it is.
While I'm grateful to have work I've ended up working every waking moment so there has been no time to do Christmas cards yet or even shopping, no time to do wash or tidy up the family room, no time to even build a fire which I dearly love once in awhile.
I'm a person that covets beautiful music, movies with beautiful scenery and meaningful story lines, tidy surroundings, well prepared food, beauty where ever it can be found. Yet I live in this sterile world which lacks most of these things most of the time. Boring to the max.
Last Sabbath was so special, to enjoy a great worship hour and the really interesting music, to discover that my voice once again actually works, to have a tasty lunch and then a wonderful concert / show in the evening and all of this with genuine friends, it was a wonderful Christmas gift.
Last evening Irene and I had a chance to share for a few minutes and once again I am so very proud of her. In spite of really facing some tough medical issues she continues to hold fast to her faith. She is a powerful inspiration to me and she needs and deserves our prayers.
So I'm signing off now, to go build a small fire, clean the family room, sip some hot mocha and catch my breath for a few minutes.
If I could speak to each of you I would just urge you to calmly enjoy your Christmas relationships with friends and family. Share old and new stories, listen to children read or play, enjoy the TV classics about Christmas, taste the good things loving hands have created, treasure this time while you have it, make the most of it, embrace it, love the ones you are with.
Tim
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
A very long day
Dear Friends and Family,
Am I ever glad to be able to chat with you. I've finally completed an appraisal that I started working on at 3 this afternoon. Its the one for the beautiful 4 plex in the Oakland hills near Montclair, so nice and such a steal at only just over $900K.
Now finally I can give some thought to going to bed. Its been a very intense day and I've just had to remind myself to be very thankful that at this time of year I even have work.
However I'm really sore from sitting in this chair that looks better than it sits after a few hours. The dogs have been faithfully watching over me all day and enjoyed having me home. I got them a slurpy dog treat yesterday so this evening I divided it up between them. Wow did they make that disappear, felt good to do something for someone.
Tomorrow is going to be so busy I just can't believe it, I need to be in several places at the same time, we will just have to see how it all works out.
Ken and I walked this morning and we really felt the cold. The walk was fine but oh the chill when we faced the wind. I've been sipping hot drinks all day and finally just gave up and set the heat back up to a level I could live with, 63 was just too cold. I'd build a fire but I've not felt I had the time to do that today.
Yet in light of where I was last week at this time I don't mind working hard and with some intensity. Spoke to Nikki today and they were having fun. She is having me sell some little zumi pets or something like that in the morning to a local lady, can't believe what people pay for these things, oh well, this way I can help a bit.
So now dear friends I'm off to bed. I deserve it and I'm going to enjoy it the whole night. Someday I'll even have to change the sheets again!! Don't even ask how long its been. Yes I know I need a woman around but who can afford them? Yet the thought of someone to talk to and share dreams with sure seems nice, someday maybe.
Right now, good night.
love
tim
Am I ever glad to be able to chat with you. I've finally completed an appraisal that I started working on at 3 this afternoon. Its the one for the beautiful 4 plex in the Oakland hills near Montclair, so nice and such a steal at only just over $900K.
Now finally I can give some thought to going to bed. Its been a very intense day and I've just had to remind myself to be very thankful that at this time of year I even have work.
However I'm really sore from sitting in this chair that looks better than it sits after a few hours. The dogs have been faithfully watching over me all day and enjoyed having me home. I got them a slurpy dog treat yesterday so this evening I divided it up between them. Wow did they make that disappear, felt good to do something for someone.
Tomorrow is going to be so busy I just can't believe it, I need to be in several places at the same time, we will just have to see how it all works out.
Ken and I walked this morning and we really felt the cold. The walk was fine but oh the chill when we faced the wind. I've been sipping hot drinks all day and finally just gave up and set the heat back up to a level I could live with, 63 was just too cold. I'd build a fire but I've not felt I had the time to do that today.
Yet in light of where I was last week at this time I don't mind working hard and with some intensity. Spoke to Nikki today and they were having fun. She is having me sell some little zumi pets or something like that in the morning to a local lady, can't believe what people pay for these things, oh well, this way I can help a bit.
So now dear friends I'm off to bed. I deserve it and I'm going to enjoy it the whole night. Someday I'll even have to change the sheets again!! Don't even ask how long its been. Yes I know I need a woman around but who can afford them? Yet the thought of someone to talk to and share dreams with sure seems nice, someday maybe.
Right now, good night.
love
tim
Monday, December 21, 2009
Working in the rain
Good evening,
* 9:15 Oakland hills quadruplex appraisal in the rain
* 1:20 Boulder Creek appraisal in the rain
These are the high points of the day. Nice people all around and decent properties but frankly its not as much enjoyment as Hawaii.
After grocery shopping on the way home from the gym tonight I came home and the house seemed so quiet, so lonely, when does the excitement and fun kick in from being on your own? I guess any day now. Perhaps if I was in love with myself like some people I see then I would enjoy my own company more but I'm not at all. I will tell you this, I have hurting muscles everywhere tonight, its been over a week since I've been to the club and I can feel it. Yet it is a good feeling because here I am at 61 starting to do something I've never really done before and I'm doing it on my own which for me is really a challenge. Now when Ken calls like he often does and says, are we walking tomorrow, then that makes it sort of easy to say yes and in the morning before first light we will be walking.
At this point I have so many loose ends in my work and private life, its hard to know where to begin. Now friend Sylvia would make a list and have everything done by noon. While I admire that organization I have no idea of how to go about it. There are forms to file, bills to get paid, other forms to get filled out, decisions to make and on it goes. To say I feel overwhelmed would be understatement.
Right now I'm so tired I'm going to say good night to all of you family and friends and sleep.
Love
tim
* 9:15 Oakland hills quadruplex appraisal in the rain
* 1:20 Boulder Creek appraisal in the rain
These are the high points of the day. Nice people all around and decent properties but frankly its not as much enjoyment as Hawaii.
After grocery shopping on the way home from the gym tonight I came home and the house seemed so quiet, so lonely, when does the excitement and fun kick in from being on your own? I guess any day now. Perhaps if I was in love with myself like some people I see then I would enjoy my own company more but I'm not at all. I will tell you this, I have hurting muscles everywhere tonight, its been over a week since I've been to the club and I can feel it. Yet it is a good feeling because here I am at 61 starting to do something I've never really done before and I'm doing it on my own which for me is really a challenge. Now when Ken calls like he often does and says, are we walking tomorrow, then that makes it sort of easy to say yes and in the morning before first light we will be walking.
At this point I have so many loose ends in my work and private life, its hard to know where to begin. Now friend Sylvia would make a list and have everything done by noon. While I admire that organization I have no idea of how to go about it. There are forms to file, bills to get paid, other forms to get filled out, decisions to make and on it goes. To say I feel overwhelmed would be understatement.
Right now I'm so tired I'm going to say good night to all of you family and friends and sleep.
Love
tim
Sunday, December 20, 2009
Keeping busy
Dear Family and Friends,
10:25 and I'm quite ready to crash. Its ended up being a long day. I started with an inspection in San Mateo and then drove to Carmel Valley, it turned out to be 100 miles from San Mateo which was a shock. This time I located the house without any problem. No wonder since I took a view of the house from space, a plat map and the MLS description of how to locate the property. This time there were no turkeys to attack, perhaps Thanksgiving took care of them!
After finding the one property I needed to photograph I then headed back toward home.
Art called to invite me once again to drop by for a visit so once I arrived in Gilroy I did just that.
What fun to visit Art and Connie and one never leaves hungry. Their home is lovely and the food was great. I didn't get away until almost 9 pm but the drive home was uneventful with a bit of rain and minimal traffic. Once home I greeted Starr and Lady, fed the fish, loaded my pill box for the week and now I'm blogging.
I was delighted to see some incoming comments regarding a new name for the blog, please keep the ideas coming, they are winners and I thank you for them.
This evening I miss my kidos who are so far away. I know they are having a great time but I still miss them, they are such smile makers.
So here we go into a new week, a week that will culminate in Christmas. Is it time to begin my shopping? Or my Christmas cards?
Sending love to all and thanks to those who helped make this such a special weekend.
Tim
10:25 and I'm quite ready to crash. Its ended up being a long day. I started with an inspection in San Mateo and then drove to Carmel Valley, it turned out to be 100 miles from San Mateo which was a shock. This time I located the house without any problem. No wonder since I took a view of the house from space, a plat map and the MLS description of how to locate the property. This time there were no turkeys to attack, perhaps Thanksgiving took care of them!
After finding the one property I needed to photograph I then headed back toward home.
Art called to invite me once again to drop by for a visit so once I arrived in Gilroy I did just that.
What fun to visit Art and Connie and one never leaves hungry. Their home is lovely and the food was great. I didn't get away until almost 9 pm but the drive home was uneventful with a bit of rain and minimal traffic. Once home I greeted Starr and Lady, fed the fish, loaded my pill box for the week and now I'm blogging.
I was delighted to see some incoming comments regarding a new name for the blog, please keep the ideas coming, they are winners and I thank you for them.
This evening I miss my kidos who are so far away. I know they are having a great time but I still miss them, they are such smile makers.
So here we go into a new week, a week that will culminate in Christmas. Is it time to begin my shopping? Or my Christmas cards?
Sending love to all and thanks to those who helped make this such a special weekend.
Tim
Amazing day
Dear Ones,
Ken and I finally hooked up to walk this morning after 12 days. Can't say it felt good but it was a good thing to do. After breakfast I drove to Lodi for the worship hour and an excellent Christmas Worship Hour. The music was really outstanding.
Several of us had lunch at Strings, it seemed like half the clients were from the church having lunch too. After lunch it was time to take a bit of a nap and then Sylvia came with her mother and drove us all to Placerville SDA Church for a Christmas concert. It was really amazing, full orchestra, full choir in costumes, excellent set and lighting and the message of the season got through very clearly. For me this has been tear stained day, not sure why but it started with beautiful Christmas music on the XM radio this morning, continued during the music at church and picked up again during the concert this evening. I'm not complaining as I think emotions for me get a bit pent up and need to be released.
In my personal life I have so many conflicts between expectations vs my own performance, work related serious challenges, money and bill management, being lonely or being willing to do something about it. I rarely experience peace and after awhile that builds up into bubbling emotions and even anger.
Today was a wonderful excursion into being normal, with long time friends who are tremendous people of character and depth. I almost felt OK for a change. I even faced the day wearing a tie, a first in over a year.
There are so many what ifs! What if after the first of the year I no longer receive orders? What if a time comes when I'm out of retirement funds? What if my health has a problem?
Tomorrow morning at 10 I'll be in San Mateo which is about 1.5 hours from the office. When that work is completed I'll head to Carmel Valley and then get the chance to catch up with my friends Art and Connie who live in Gilroy on the way home. So tomorrow will have some serious driving and perhaps I can even slip in some Christmas shopping along the way.
So for now I wish all of you a pleasant peaceful weekend and I send special greetings to my kids, Jason and family in Denver and Nikki and family in Kona. They seem so far away yet they are happy so its OK.
Love to each and every one of you,
Tim
ps I'm considering a new name for my new blog, do you have suggestions? I'd love to hear from you. timmustard@yahoo.com is a good way to reach me.
Ken and I finally hooked up to walk this morning after 12 days. Can't say it felt good but it was a good thing to do. After breakfast I drove to Lodi for the worship hour and an excellent Christmas Worship Hour. The music was really outstanding.
Several of us had lunch at Strings, it seemed like half the clients were from the church having lunch too. After lunch it was time to take a bit of a nap and then Sylvia came with her mother and drove us all to Placerville SDA Church for a Christmas concert. It was really amazing, full orchestra, full choir in costumes, excellent set and lighting and the message of the season got through very clearly. For me this has been tear stained day, not sure why but it started with beautiful Christmas music on the XM radio this morning, continued during the music at church and picked up again during the concert this evening. I'm not complaining as I think emotions for me get a bit pent up and need to be released.
In my personal life I have so many conflicts between expectations vs my own performance, work related serious challenges, money and bill management, being lonely or being willing to do something about it. I rarely experience peace and after awhile that builds up into bubbling emotions and even anger.
Today was a wonderful excursion into being normal, with long time friends who are tremendous people of character and depth. I almost felt OK for a change. I even faced the day wearing a tie, a first in over a year.
There are so many what ifs! What if after the first of the year I no longer receive orders? What if a time comes when I'm out of retirement funds? What if my health has a problem?
Tomorrow morning at 10 I'll be in San Mateo which is about 1.5 hours from the office. When that work is completed I'll head to Carmel Valley and then get the chance to catch up with my friends Art and Connie who live in Gilroy on the way home. So tomorrow will have some serious driving and perhaps I can even slip in some Christmas shopping along the way.
So for now I wish all of you a pleasant peaceful weekend and I send special greetings to my kids, Jason and family in Denver and Nikki and family in Kona. They seem so far away yet they are happy so its OK.
Love to each and every one of you,
Tim
ps I'm considering a new name for my new blog, do you have suggestions? I'd love to hear from you. timmustard@yahoo.com is a good way to reach me.
Friday, December 18, 2009
A fresh outlook
Dear Family and Friends,
What does it take for you to find a new outlook on life? For me it seems to have been a few days away in another world. Things that had become so ordinary seemed hardly worth doing, now they have new appeal.
This morning I ventured out into the fog and to a little house in Tracy, not much to get excited about for me but for the buyer who has tried and tried to find a place to buy, well this is to become home. I've found that it is good to remember that when I'm inspecting a property. As a degree of success comes our way it is so easy to forget how excited the prospect of getting that first new car, or even a car at all and then the dream of finding a partner, could it ever be? Then you were married, could we ever afford a new home? And then with the help of many caring people that first new house happened and oh the excitement of pulling wires for cable, sound, phone through the walls, seeing the rooms take shape, finally the smell of carpet and paint and finally moving day. Yet as I look back now its hard to remember the excitement over such a little house. We get jaded so easily. What was once a totally rewarding experience, getting to dine out with the family at Denny's now is the place of last resort and then grudgingly. Our first little camper sat on the back of our tiny Toyota truck and we could camp with the big boys, it has a sink, furnace, beds to sleep 4, an ice box. How we loved to travel with out little RV, to campmeeting, to summer camp, to the beach, the mountains oh what fun.
So now I live in a house that is twice as large as the first one and I live alone. I have a motorhome to enjoy and a boat I always dreamed of having. A vacation used to be a long weekend to visit family or a flight or train ride to Texas. Then we discovered Hawaii and we fell in love with the scents, the sights, the water, the people, the views from sea or mountain.
As the years pass our acceptance of what is normal changes dramatically and our expectations rise to the income level and beyond. My first little Corolla had a sticker of $1,900. The Odyssey was over $35K. And in a way they both accomplish the same thing. They get us (me) from here to there without walking. For many of you readers your comfort level may be different than mine. For me mine needs to adjust to reality. I live in a world where my profession is being changed drastically by forces beyond the control of the local appraiser. What used to pay $750 today pays $475 and yet everything that I have to pay for, education, state license, data sources, travel costs much more. At 61 years of age I'm probably not going to be able to move to a new career so I need a new outlook. Nothing I have described so far is really very important, most of what I've mentioned is wants, not needs.
So in the coming months I'll need to back things down, learn to live with less, live more wisely and I'm guessing that while there will be some regrets the new outlook will be OK.
Over the years I've observed many families who had to adjust to a dramatic cut in living style. Some survived even thrived while others faltered and never could adjust. When we consider for a minute how we live in the western world it is with so much more comfort and security than many people in the world. I'm trying to move from describing the phase of life I'm in from survive to thrive. I like the sound of that much better. It involves moving beyond victimhood to adventure and facing the next challenge with some zest and humor.
There is a sort of trite saying that carries real meaning for me. When I look at myself, my failures, defaults, errors in judgement, bad habits I don't see how I could be saved but when I look to Jesus with his amazingly loving and caring personality I can't see how I could be lost. Were it not for the forgiveness of Jesus life would just not be worth it. I'm totally unwilling to take a sheet of paper and write down my weaknesses and strengths, it would be just to hard to take, the inventory would be so terrible to comprehend, yet here I am, still living, standing, thriving even after a really challenging few years.
The joy of Hawaii was to get to with the kidos without having to rush off to work or to say constant goodbyes. For a few days I could just be a part of their little lives and do things that they liked and were good for them. To stand in the tot pool and observe Kallie who was busy at work chasing her little water bucket wading against the water which came nearly up to her neck in places, to retrieve toys as she hurled them out of the pool, to watch her expressions of joy and wonder. Then to watch Keanna as she began to put years of swimming classes into action, her little legs and arms churning up the water as she moved about, making friends with every kid she encountered, moving from swimming with her arm band swimmies to freestyle without them, learning the wonders beneath the water through snorkeling. I know these moments with these little ones do not last, soon Keanna will be too cool to be seen with her Pappa and Kallie will be busy with friends, this is as it should be but now they need me and I need them more.
At my age many things seem daunting, nearly impossible, that is the temptation, just give up, give in and stop dreaming. But why, I'm still breathing, I can walk my 3 miles, I can carry little ones for short distances, boxes, suitcases. I can work, learn and even make new friends.
Does any of this make sense to you? There are no easy answers to the question, why am I still here? Why didn't God allow me to fall asleep and keep Nan going strong, she was so much better with the kidos and with life it seems. I can't answer that but pondering it very long becomes a waste of precious time. Nan rests and I'm here and I've just got to make the best of it, we all do.
A fresh outlook, you bet.
love
tim
What does it take for you to find a new outlook on life? For me it seems to have been a few days away in another world. Things that had become so ordinary seemed hardly worth doing, now they have new appeal.
This morning I ventured out into the fog and to a little house in Tracy, not much to get excited about for me but for the buyer who has tried and tried to find a place to buy, well this is to become home. I've found that it is good to remember that when I'm inspecting a property. As a degree of success comes our way it is so easy to forget how excited the prospect of getting that first new car, or even a car at all and then the dream of finding a partner, could it ever be? Then you were married, could we ever afford a new home? And then with the help of many caring people that first new house happened and oh the excitement of pulling wires for cable, sound, phone through the walls, seeing the rooms take shape, finally the smell of carpet and paint and finally moving day. Yet as I look back now its hard to remember the excitement over such a little house. We get jaded so easily. What was once a totally rewarding experience, getting to dine out with the family at Denny's now is the place of last resort and then grudgingly. Our first little camper sat on the back of our tiny Toyota truck and we could camp with the big boys, it has a sink, furnace, beds to sleep 4, an ice box. How we loved to travel with out little RV, to campmeeting, to summer camp, to the beach, the mountains oh what fun.
So now I live in a house that is twice as large as the first one and I live alone. I have a motorhome to enjoy and a boat I always dreamed of having. A vacation used to be a long weekend to visit family or a flight or train ride to Texas. Then we discovered Hawaii and we fell in love with the scents, the sights, the water, the people, the views from sea or mountain.
As the years pass our acceptance of what is normal changes dramatically and our expectations rise to the income level and beyond. My first little Corolla had a sticker of $1,900. The Odyssey was over $35K. And in a way they both accomplish the same thing. They get us (me) from here to there without walking. For many of you readers your comfort level may be different than mine. For me mine needs to adjust to reality. I live in a world where my profession is being changed drastically by forces beyond the control of the local appraiser. What used to pay $750 today pays $475 and yet everything that I have to pay for, education, state license, data sources, travel costs much more. At 61 years of age I'm probably not going to be able to move to a new career so I need a new outlook. Nothing I have described so far is really very important, most of what I've mentioned is wants, not needs.
So in the coming months I'll need to back things down, learn to live with less, live more wisely and I'm guessing that while there will be some regrets the new outlook will be OK.
Over the years I've observed many families who had to adjust to a dramatic cut in living style. Some survived even thrived while others faltered and never could adjust. When we consider for a minute how we live in the western world it is with so much more comfort and security than many people in the world. I'm trying to move from describing the phase of life I'm in from survive to thrive. I like the sound of that much better. It involves moving beyond victimhood to adventure and facing the next challenge with some zest and humor.
There is a sort of trite saying that carries real meaning for me. When I look at myself, my failures, defaults, errors in judgement, bad habits I don't see how I could be saved but when I look to Jesus with his amazingly loving and caring personality I can't see how I could be lost. Were it not for the forgiveness of Jesus life would just not be worth it. I'm totally unwilling to take a sheet of paper and write down my weaknesses and strengths, it would be just to hard to take, the inventory would be so terrible to comprehend, yet here I am, still living, standing, thriving even after a really challenging few years.
The joy of Hawaii was to get to with the kidos without having to rush off to work or to say constant goodbyes. For a few days I could just be a part of their little lives and do things that they liked and were good for them. To stand in the tot pool and observe Kallie who was busy at work chasing her little water bucket wading against the water which came nearly up to her neck in places, to retrieve toys as she hurled them out of the pool, to watch her expressions of joy and wonder. Then to watch Keanna as she began to put years of swimming classes into action, her little legs and arms churning up the water as she moved about, making friends with every kid she encountered, moving from swimming with her arm band swimmies to freestyle without them, learning the wonders beneath the water through snorkeling. I know these moments with these little ones do not last, soon Keanna will be too cool to be seen with her Pappa and Kallie will be busy with friends, this is as it should be but now they need me and I need them more.
At my age many things seem daunting, nearly impossible, that is the temptation, just give up, give in and stop dreaming. But why, I'm still breathing, I can walk my 3 miles, I can carry little ones for short distances, boxes, suitcases. I can work, learn and even make new friends.
Does any of this make sense to you? There are no easy answers to the question, why am I still here? Why didn't God allow me to fall asleep and keep Nan going strong, she was so much better with the kidos and with life it seems. I can't answer that but pondering it very long becomes a waste of precious time. Nan rests and I'm here and I've just got to make the best of it, we all do.
A fresh outlook, you bet.
love
tim
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Home
Dear Family and Friends,
Arrived home at 11:30 after a really enjoyable flight. We were held up in Honolulu since the plane took 7 hours to come over when it normally takes a little over 5 hours. Bad weather forced them to fly to LA before coming across to Hawaii. In spite of the plane being about 2 hours late they turned it around quickly and at 3:15 we were in the air, it was supposed to be 1:33. However a very strong jetstream of over 100 mph pushed us home in just over 4 hours so we arrived less than an hour late. My seat mate was a really great guy who has lived his whole life in Hawaii and was on his way solo to spend Christmas with his daughter and family who live in Orinda. He lost his wife 5 years ago and is pretty sure he is going to remain single. He was a joy to fly with. The airline did a great job with excellent food, plenty to drink including lots of bottled water, just the right cabin temperature and great service.
I am so grateful to Nikki and Steve for allowing me to join them for the 6 days. I had such a great time with the kidos, great food, beautiful scenery and it was great to get to spend some time with a very precious family.
Now its back to work and I feel honored to have work to do.
I would urge you to consider a trip to the islands even if you have to save and plan for years to do it. It is a very relaxing place of intense beauty, peaceful lifestyles and stunning sunsets.
So now I'm heading to bed. I have two very excited little doggies at my feet, glad to have me home.
Love to all,
Tim
Arrived home at 11:30 after a really enjoyable flight. We were held up in Honolulu since the plane took 7 hours to come over when it normally takes a little over 5 hours. Bad weather forced them to fly to LA before coming across to Hawaii. In spite of the plane being about 2 hours late they turned it around quickly and at 3:15 we were in the air, it was supposed to be 1:33. However a very strong jetstream of over 100 mph pushed us home in just over 4 hours so we arrived less than an hour late. My seat mate was a really great guy who has lived his whole life in Hawaii and was on his way solo to spend Christmas with his daughter and family who live in Orinda. He lost his wife 5 years ago and is pretty sure he is going to remain single. He was a joy to fly with. The airline did a great job with excellent food, plenty to drink including lots of bottled water, just the right cabin temperature and great service.
I am so grateful to Nikki and Steve for allowing me to join them for the 6 days. I had such a great time with the kidos, great food, beautiful scenery and it was great to get to spend some time with a very precious family.
Now its back to work and I feel honored to have work to do.
I would urge you to consider a trip to the islands even if you have to save and plan for years to do it. It is a very relaxing place of intense beauty, peaceful lifestyles and stunning sunsets.
So now I'm heading to bed. I have two very excited little doggies at my feet, glad to have me home.
Love to all,
Tim
I hate to say goodbye
The sun set quickly in Hawaii. Here it is working its way down behind our unit.
Keanna is watching a Dora the Explorer web page which is a new discovery for her.
Kallie is stopped by the camera in one of her many fun filled games with her daddy.
Here is home away from home 25103.
Our view looking up the fairway toward the distant mountains where it always rains
Our view from our lanai. Nice any time of day or night and unforgettable.Here goes,
In my lifetime I've never learned how to enjoy parting with people I care about. I live in a world that is heavy with emotion and hopefully based on principle most of the time. So when I contemplate boarding a jet out of here tomorrow I do so with no joy for I'm leaving behind people I care deeply about and I think my being with them enhances their lives in some little way.
I can remember many years ago when Nan would fly home once in a while to visit her family in Texas. Each time I thought my heart would break as I saw her walk away. Who knew what was to come.
Then there came a time when Nikki and Jason began to grow up and they ventured out into the world to discover their lives and every time it meant saying good bye and watching them drive, fly or walk away. It never got easier. Jason used to ask his mom to take him to the airport as he grew tired of having to console me as we waited for his plane to leave for Texas and his life there at the University. Or seeing Steve and Nikki as they left for Portland in a UHaul and a car, heading for a new life which they came to love.
There were many many good byes with Nan as the cancer progressed. Even the ones at night when I would head home leaving her in the hospital or walking the few short blocks to the hotel and leaving her in Brigham and Womens in Boston. It never grew easier or desirable even though the days were long and many times bleak.
Letting go of someone you care about, someone you enjoy, someone who knows you really well and still loves you, that process of letting go is one I've not mastered.
The most heart rendering was watching a white van turn the corner with Nan's body the morning she died. No one should have to endure that kind of loss, of separation. At least her days of suffering and loss were over and she was a rest, peacefully waiting for the Lord's return.
You would think I would be used to it after all these years, of saying good bye over and over again. Does it come easy for you? Does it really?
This time I'm leaving 4 very precious people who are all at different stages of their lives. Little Kallie is amazing. I had her this morning from about 8 until about 2. What fun we had. She would run and play and then bring me a book to read or raid the frig seeking more milk or a cookie. Finally she signalled she was ready for a nap after presenting me with a diaper no Pappa should ever have to deal with! Wow was that special and she laughed and grinned all through it like she had just pulled the biggest joke on her Pappa.
While she slept I fired up my home computer via a remote system and wrote an entire appraisal, inserted photos, did the map and emailed the completed report to the lender on time. I'm not saying it was easy but it did happen.
I'm just back from one last session in the huge spa at the center. It was nice to relax in the warm water for a few minutes.
In the morning we will wake at 5:30 or so when Kallie decides she is through with sleeping and she will race about playing, smiling, laughing and reminding me why it was worth the ticket to come. Keanna will roll out a bit later and she too will be full of fun and games, humor and non stop story telling. Then all too soon I'll head for the little Kona airport with its tiny security detail and board a flight for Honolulu where I'll board another flight for Oakland. 5 hours later I'll step into the cold reality of battling bills, trying to find work assignments and living alone. I do not look forward to it at all yet at this point that's the next step for me. How thankful I am that I've had these days with the kidos in this perfect place. I appreciate Nikki and Steve letting me stay with them, I know it strains their routines to have me here all the time.
So I will see you soon.
As I am flying home tomorrow Jason, Jo and Timothy are flying to Denver for Christmas with Jo's mom and family. Timothy has been pretty ill this week so we pray he makes the trip without pain and suffering. They are flying to a pretty cold place but will enjoy seeing family members they've not seen for years, some even from Australia.
So I say good bye to you tonight, what a horrible concept of having to leave someone you love but the other side is reunions and soon there will be one with our loving Lord that will help us forget all our tearful goodbyes for good.
Love
tim
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
At the beach
Dear Family and Friends
Nikki and Steve are out this evening and I am doing Pappa daycare. Its been fun and the girls while being totally full of life and energy were good and eventually settled down. Kallie just breaks your heart as she crys so loudly for a few more minutes of freedom in spite of being totally tired. She sleeps in the second bathroom where it is dark and quiet. Keanna has discovered the amazing enjoyment of a Dora the Explorer web site on my laptop and would be on it all day if we allowed. She learns quickly and knows her way around the site very well.
This morning we went to our traditional breakfast spot only to discover after walking through the beautiful open air lobby that they only serve breakfast to hotel guests now. That was almost a day breaker. We went to the Sheraton and discovered an almost as good brunch with kids eat free bonuses. The food was great and we sat just feet from the ocean. The morning was bright and beautiful.
After breakfast we headed to the beach. Nikki and Steve introduced Kallie to the ocean and she loved it. Keanna practiced her swimming and went out further with her mom and day. They rented a tiny umbrella which gave a bit of shade. The kids played until they were worn out. Once we were back to the room Kallie slept for hours and we all drifted into and out of rest.
This evening Nikki baked cookies before they went out. Keanna just eats the frosting but Kallie loved the cookie. She has this wonderful way of letting you know she wants more. She puts her fists together in front of her again and again, that is her sign that she wants to have more of what she was just eating or drinking. Tonight I ask her if she wanted more milk and I waited for a verbal comment and totally missed her beating her fists together until Keanna pointed it out. She drained another bottle of milk.
I am reminded once again that most families look pretty impressive from a distance but then you are under the roof and discover the there are magic moments and moments of discord and disagreement. Nan and I often disagreed on things and eventually as our kids grew up they would roll their eyes when we began to argue and we would end up giving it up. In life we come up with a few really precious moments, a lot of normal stuff and some periods of friction. That is the way it is, beware of a couple who say they never fight or disagree. It simply means that one is controlling and the other is giving in all the time.
Family means a lot of things, it comes down to a very challenging process of free spirited bright people finding enough common ground to make it worth while. The process evolves over the years and often the bottom lines get changed as time moves along. I have great respect for people that can hold it together over the years when we live in a time when it is so easy to drift apart and then go apart tearing little ones into, even adults in two.
I believe the Lord created families and loves for all of us to grow and mature as the years go by. This time with my family is precious, it is worth it and being in Hawaii is just icing on the cake. As I look at Keanna I see a teenager, a young person and all too soon. May God bless us all with patience and the ongoing desire to continue to mature, to keep growing up, to keep being more unselfish and more helpful to others.
This trip is going way too fast, what a great Christmas gift to get to be someone totally different, a Pappa full time.
Love to all,
Tim
Nikki and Steve are out this evening and I am doing Pappa daycare. Its been fun and the girls while being totally full of life and energy were good and eventually settled down. Kallie just breaks your heart as she crys so loudly for a few more minutes of freedom in spite of being totally tired. She sleeps in the second bathroom where it is dark and quiet. Keanna has discovered the amazing enjoyment of a Dora the Explorer web site on my laptop and would be on it all day if we allowed. She learns quickly and knows her way around the site very well.
This morning we went to our traditional breakfast spot only to discover after walking through the beautiful open air lobby that they only serve breakfast to hotel guests now. That was almost a day breaker. We went to the Sheraton and discovered an almost as good brunch with kids eat free bonuses. The food was great and we sat just feet from the ocean. The morning was bright and beautiful.
After breakfast we headed to the beach. Nikki and Steve introduced Kallie to the ocean and she loved it. Keanna practiced her swimming and went out further with her mom and day. They rented a tiny umbrella which gave a bit of shade. The kids played until they were worn out. Once we were back to the room Kallie slept for hours and we all drifted into and out of rest.
This evening Nikki baked cookies before they went out. Keanna just eats the frosting but Kallie loved the cookie. She has this wonderful way of letting you know she wants more. She puts her fists together in front of her again and again, that is her sign that she wants to have more of what she was just eating or drinking. Tonight I ask her if she wanted more milk and I waited for a verbal comment and totally missed her beating her fists together until Keanna pointed it out. She drained another bottle of milk.
I am reminded once again that most families look pretty impressive from a distance but then you are under the roof and discover the there are magic moments and moments of discord and disagreement. Nan and I often disagreed on things and eventually as our kids grew up they would roll their eyes when we began to argue and we would end up giving it up. In life we come up with a few really precious moments, a lot of normal stuff and some periods of friction. That is the way it is, beware of a couple who say they never fight or disagree. It simply means that one is controlling and the other is giving in all the time.
Family means a lot of things, it comes down to a very challenging process of free spirited bright people finding enough common ground to make it worth while. The process evolves over the years and often the bottom lines get changed as time moves along. I have great respect for people that can hold it together over the years when we live in a time when it is so easy to drift apart and then go apart tearing little ones into, even adults in two.
I believe the Lord created families and loves for all of us to grow and mature as the years go by. This time with my family is precious, it is worth it and being in Hawaii is just icing on the cake. As I look at Keanna I see a teenager, a young person and all too soon. May God bless us all with patience and the ongoing desire to continue to mature, to keep growing up, to keep being more unselfish and more helpful to others.
This trip is going way too fast, what a great Christmas gift to get to be someone totally different, a Pappa full time.
Love to all,
Tim
Monday, December 14, 2009
Another day in paradise
Aloha from Kona,
We are just back this evening from a shopping stroll along the waterfront in downtown Kona. As the sun slipped into the sea and cool breezes fanned us the birds began to make their loud chirping as they settled in for the night in the huge Banyon tree. It is a sound that is a trademark for Hawaii and only lasts for a few minutes before quieting down as the darkness intensifies.
We found the shopping nearly to ourselves with very few people out and about. Locals report that it is the slowest they have ever seen so our dollars are welcomed.
Eventually we worked up an appetite and ended up at a place called Boston Basil, an Italian place that welcomed our family. We ended up having a great meal and a very enjoyable time.
This morning Steve went for his first really deep ocean dive. He was able to get 6 dives in and even had some adventure as a current smashed him into the roof of a case at 40 feet under the surface. As he pushed himself off the roof his hand rested on sea urchin and he was instantly stung with many poisonous spines that he is even now still picking out of his hand. He certainly gave him something to remember from his first day in the clear Pacific ocean where visibility was 80 feet.
This morning Keanna took a free snorkel lesson here at the club and did quite well with the whole process. Meanwhile I had Kallie in the wading pool and she too had a great time. When she came back from the pool she feel asleep on the floor even before Nikki could put her into her little bed.
We are packing lots of fun and family enjoyment into our few days. It is an honor to be able to be with these little ones who always amaze me and occasionally obey me.
Love to each and every one of you,
Tim
We are just back this evening from a shopping stroll along the waterfront in downtown Kona. As the sun slipped into the sea and cool breezes fanned us the birds began to make their loud chirping as they settled in for the night in the huge Banyon tree. It is a sound that is a trademark for Hawaii and only lasts for a few minutes before quieting down as the darkness intensifies.
We found the shopping nearly to ourselves with very few people out and about. Locals report that it is the slowest they have ever seen so our dollars are welcomed.
Eventually we worked up an appetite and ended up at a place called Boston Basil, an Italian place that welcomed our family. We ended up having a great meal and a very enjoyable time.
This morning Steve went for his first really deep ocean dive. He was able to get 6 dives in and even had some adventure as a current smashed him into the roof of a case at 40 feet under the surface. As he pushed himself off the roof his hand rested on sea urchin and he was instantly stung with many poisonous spines that he is even now still picking out of his hand. He certainly gave him something to remember from his first day in the clear Pacific ocean where visibility was 80 feet.
This morning Keanna took a free snorkel lesson here at the club and did quite well with the whole process. Meanwhile I had Kallie in the wading pool and she too had a great time. When she came back from the pool she feel asleep on the floor even before Nikki could put her into her little bed.
We are packing lots of fun and family enjoyment into our few days. It is an honor to be able to be with these little ones who always amaze me and occasionally obey me.
Love to each and every one of you,
Tim
A Great Day in Kona
Dear Family and Friends,
How I wish you were here with us. Of course since that is not possible I'll just share a bit about life here. It is nicely warm, about 80 during the day and a bit cooler in the evening. I'm just back from the big spa which is between the pool, bar and golf course. Huge palm trees wave gently in the breezes and torches lite the night sky. The spa was bubbling tonight, just waiting for someone to enjoy it warm water.
We started the day with a morning in the pool and wading area. Kallie got more mileage out of a simple watering toy that Nikki had purchased and Kallie enjoyed her water wings. The pool was cool but nice after a bit. I would let her sit in the hot top for only a few minutes and then had to get out, just seemed to warm for a little one.
After several hours we came back to the room and Kallie took a wonderful 2 plus hour nap. Steve had been out exploring the ocean, the reefs and the exotic underworld. He came back with camcorder photos to share.
For lunch we found a Taco Bell and a Burger King for Keanna and enjoyed a quiet time of eating. Then we found CostCo and explored what they had to offer. They have the best buys on Hawaiian clothes especially men's shirts. However since I've been here many times before and have the shirts to prove it I left without buying anything.
Steve was able to sign up for some dives one of which is at night. He found small operations which only take a few divers for each dive and feels very comfortable with what they have to offer.
Eventually we made our way back home and we found plenty of food to snack on. Now I'm just back from the spa and ready to find some sleep.
Interesting points of Kona include the three volcanos which form the 13,000 center of the island where many days the ground is covered with snow. I'm not sure we will make it to the active volcano this time as we've been many times before.
This island has been hammered by the recession to the point that many small businesses we are used to have closed. Others are on the brink of failure. Yet most of the prices remain high, higher than one would be used to on the mainland.
So I bid you mahalo for reading the blog this evening.
love
tim
Saturday, December 12, 2009
Aloha
Dear Family and Friends,
I'm writing to you this evening from the Kona Coast Resort. We are just back from seeing the yearly Christmas parade. When we left there was rumored to be 4o more floats. We went in search of a few things like a bed for Kallie to sleep in and some dinner.
In a few minutes I think I'm going to give the hot tub a try as the evening is still young.
I left home this morning in heavy fog and very cool temperatures and drove with no traffic to the Oakland airport. I finally got boarded but missed my resident travel agent who always cared for everything travel wise. The flight over was remarkably decent with a comfortable seat, a silent seat mate who slept the entire trip, a breakfast burrito and chocolate muffin, many glasses of water. I listed to one of the books I had picked up from the Library and it was the perfect traveling companion. The book is loaded onto a little ipod player that is dedicated just to that book so everything is very simple to manage and enjoy.
When I arrived in Honolulu they were stating that the next flight to Kona was already closed but when I hurried down to the gate they were announcing my name. I walked on, they closed the doors and I made it fine. At Kona I found a taxi and because there were two of us sharing the price was less. I was able to get to the time share and be all signed in before the kids arrived.
I had just walked through the door and here came Keanna bursting through the door and into my arms, pappa, pappa. It was great to see them.
The came yesterday and had stayed at the Hilton. It turned out to be a wonderful place with lots of things to do for the whole family. It has been a family desire for years to stay there and finally they got to.
Our weather is perfect, not too hot and now cool outside. It is really a great experience to be here.
This evening we went to the parade and watched the sun set in the background. In Hawaii the sets very quickly, what a beautiful ending touch to a nice day.
I so wish you all could be here but of course the time share would be somewhat over loaded if you were. If you've not been to the islands it is a wonderful thing to experience. Unlike some trips where the water is uncertain and the food is strange coming here presents nothing but enjoyment. Yes prices are big higher here than at home but you can adjust to just using less to offset the extra expense.
So I bid you all a good evening. It is only 9:45 here but 11:45 at home and I'm feeling the effects of being up a long time today. Yet other than coughing I'm feeling great and feeling strong.
Love to all,
Tim
I'm writing to you this evening from the Kona Coast Resort. We are just back from seeing the yearly Christmas parade. When we left there was rumored to be 4o more floats. We went in search of a few things like a bed for Kallie to sleep in and some dinner.
In a few minutes I think I'm going to give the hot tub a try as the evening is still young.
I left home this morning in heavy fog and very cool temperatures and drove with no traffic to the Oakland airport. I finally got boarded but missed my resident travel agent who always cared for everything travel wise. The flight over was remarkably decent with a comfortable seat, a silent seat mate who slept the entire trip, a breakfast burrito and chocolate muffin, many glasses of water. I listed to one of the books I had picked up from the Library and it was the perfect traveling companion. The book is loaded onto a little ipod player that is dedicated just to that book so everything is very simple to manage and enjoy.
When I arrived in Honolulu they were stating that the next flight to Kona was already closed but when I hurried down to the gate they were announcing my name. I walked on, they closed the doors and I made it fine. At Kona I found a taxi and because there were two of us sharing the price was less. I was able to get to the time share and be all signed in before the kids arrived.
I had just walked through the door and here came Keanna bursting through the door and into my arms, pappa, pappa. It was great to see them.
The came yesterday and had stayed at the Hilton. It turned out to be a wonderful place with lots of things to do for the whole family. It has been a family desire for years to stay there and finally they got to.
Our weather is perfect, not too hot and now cool outside. It is really a great experience to be here.
This evening we went to the parade and watched the sun set in the background. In Hawaii the sets very quickly, what a beautiful ending touch to a nice day.
I so wish you all could be here but of course the time share would be somewhat over loaded if you were. If you've not been to the islands it is a wonderful thing to experience. Unlike some trips where the water is uncertain and the food is strange coming here presents nothing but enjoyment. Yes prices are big higher here than at home but you can adjust to just using less to offset the extra expense.
So I bid you all a good evening. It is only 9:45 here but 11:45 at home and I'm feeling the effects of being up a long time today. Yet other than coughing I'm feeling great and feeling strong.
Love to all,
Tim
Friday, December 11, 2009
Ready for some sunshine
Dear Family and Friends,
This morning started really early, I was so concerned that I might miss the alarm that I slept very poorly last night. We loaded up the van in the cold air and the girls were excited. Kallie has never been on a plane before other than the last Hawaii trip before she was born. It was hard to see them leave all loaded to the hilt with child seats, suitcases, bags but they seemed to make it in OK. I've not heard from them since so I'm assuming that the trip went well and that they are settled into the wonderful Hilton. They are staying one night and it should be really exciting for all of them, there is so much to see there and do.
After I delivered my precious cargo it was too early to take photos so I drove slowly over to El Cerrito and located the property. 5,200 sf of splendid home at the top of the hill with a panoramic view of everything Bay wise. I was there to do a driveby for a foreclosure so it was sort of sad. The fog made it almost impossible to do my work and the photos are not my best.
After I left the hill I located a gas station as the van said it had one mile left in the tank. I found a MasterCard that worked, that was nice.
The next stop was in Concord and the people were great. Older retired folks who raised 5 kids and are now enjoying grandchildren and great grandchildren. The weather was very cold and nasty so I wore a coat for a change. When I was through with the appraisal inspection I headed to PetCo for dog and cat food. Then it was home to work and I've been at it ever since other than a quick run in the rain to the bank to try to work things out. Checks I counted on being here today did not come. That sort of sent me over the edge for awhile until I figured a way out.
Once again Loree is coming to the rescue and she will deposit the checks on Monday. What a life saver she is.
Now I'm about to throw a few things in a bag for the trip and I'll be ready. Packing for a trip to the big island is pretty simple. Since it will be about 80 degrees every day and there will be no formal events shorts and simple shirts are in order along with tennis shoes and sandals. A hat or two and a swimming suit rounds it out. Of course for me there is my cpap machine for sleeping and a laptop for keeping in touch. Cell phone chargers and the camcorder and some books to listen to on the trip, that should about cover it.
I am very apprehensive about this trip due to the money involved and 4 days without working. However orders are way down right now and I think a break will be a good thing. I love to spend time with my kidos and this way I won't have to constantly say, well I've got to work now.
I wish you were coming with me, having company would be great. Maybe next time!
So I wish all of you aloha.
Tim
This morning started really early, I was so concerned that I might miss the alarm that I slept very poorly last night. We loaded up the van in the cold air and the girls were excited. Kallie has never been on a plane before other than the last Hawaii trip before she was born. It was hard to see them leave all loaded to the hilt with child seats, suitcases, bags but they seemed to make it in OK. I've not heard from them since so I'm assuming that the trip went well and that they are settled into the wonderful Hilton. They are staying one night and it should be really exciting for all of them, there is so much to see there and do.
After I delivered my precious cargo it was too early to take photos so I drove slowly over to El Cerrito and located the property. 5,200 sf of splendid home at the top of the hill with a panoramic view of everything Bay wise. I was there to do a driveby for a foreclosure so it was sort of sad. The fog made it almost impossible to do my work and the photos are not my best.
After I left the hill I located a gas station as the van said it had one mile left in the tank. I found a MasterCard that worked, that was nice.
The next stop was in Concord and the people were great. Older retired folks who raised 5 kids and are now enjoying grandchildren and great grandchildren. The weather was very cold and nasty so I wore a coat for a change. When I was through with the appraisal inspection I headed to PetCo for dog and cat food. Then it was home to work and I've been at it ever since other than a quick run in the rain to the bank to try to work things out. Checks I counted on being here today did not come. That sort of sent me over the edge for awhile until I figured a way out.
Once again Loree is coming to the rescue and she will deposit the checks on Monday. What a life saver she is.
Now I'm about to throw a few things in a bag for the trip and I'll be ready. Packing for a trip to the big island is pretty simple. Since it will be about 80 degrees every day and there will be no formal events shorts and simple shirts are in order along with tennis shoes and sandals. A hat or two and a swimming suit rounds it out. Of course for me there is my cpap machine for sleeping and a laptop for keeping in touch. Cell phone chargers and the camcorder and some books to listen to on the trip, that should about cover it.
I am very apprehensive about this trip due to the money involved and 4 days without working. However orders are way down right now and I think a break will be a good thing. I love to spend time with my kidos and this way I won't have to constantly say, well I've got to work now.
I wish you were coming with me, having company would be great. Maybe next time!
So I wish all of you aloha.
Tim
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Shiver me timbers
Wow was it cold today! I lept from my bed at 6 because some fool had set the alarm wrong but it was only a moment before I settled back in for further rest.
When I finally rolled out at 7:30 I discovered I had a headache and it has been with me all day, back to the old constant coughing and foul pain. Anyway it did not slow me down, perhaps it made the day less enjoyable but too bad.
I headed to Stockton and half way there while bouncing over the nasty levee road I felt for my measuring wheel. It was not there. I had left early this morning to be sure to meet the kind realtor who was letting me in. Quickly considering the time it would take to go back to the house I plunged on. I've been needing a new wheel to measure with for some time as mine is cranky and often fails. I rushed into Home Depot and found their tapes and wheels. What a disappointment. The only thing close to a wheel was this bright yellow plastic monster with electronic readouts, reset buttons. Well when you are against the wall what do you do. Well you go ahead and buy it, wrestle it out of the cardboard it was attached to. So I ended up being late, 15 minutes in fact but the man was great and understanding. The wheel worked awfully. It sounded like a plastic toy truck as it rolled over the stucco and concrete, yes it did the job but it was no answer long term. In fact I returned it to another Home Depot later in the day, I could never use it on a regular basis. I'm not sure what it was designed for but it was not appraisers!
After completing the inspection of this beautifully updated home, the granite was amazing and the stainless steel appliances looked brand new. I next drove to Riverbank to shoot comp photos of duplex and 2 house properties for a report I am working on. Then it was home via Tracy where the Home Depot visit was made, then to the Mountain House Library to select a few books to take on the trip, on these wonder new IPOD sort of things, they fit in your hand but hold an entire book, very nice for travelling. By now the day was fleeting. When I approached Discovery Bay I knew I needed to put funds into the bank, but the mail person brought me no funds. I had the refund money from the wheel and I decided to rush to town to close out Nan's banking account, it has a few bucks. However that was not simple. In spite of my signing a card which added me to her account they had no such proof. So I had to fill out a two page form, be notarized and then I got my amazing $49.61. By the time I got back to the bank it was closed. By taking every dollar out of my wallet I deposited enough to cover what I knew was in the red. However to my dismay when I got home something else had come in and I was still overdrawn so another wasted $29 charge will await in the morning. Errr. I did try.
Finally I headed home and was told that I could go ahead and see a little condo unit here near by house. So as the darkness was approaching I inspected this nice little condo, inspected its attic with the new ladder and finally arrived home after dark.
This evening I've settled down and have just completed the appraisal for the house I saw this morning. Its already emailed to the lender and now I'm heading to bed. You see I'm taking Nikki and family to the airport in the morning at 5:15 so some sleep would be good.
After I make sure they are away I'll head to El Cerrito to do a driveby and then Concord for one that came in today. Then I'll head home to write up what I can before packing for my leaving on Sabbath Morning at 8:30 for Kona. How nice it will be to be with the family and enjoy 80 degree temperatures for a few days. Should I be going? Absolutely not if going is based on being able to afford to be away and the cost of the ticket. However I am going and I plan to fully enjoy every minute of it.
So my family and friends, I bid you a cheery good night.
love
tim
When I finally rolled out at 7:30 I discovered I had a headache and it has been with me all day, back to the old constant coughing and foul pain. Anyway it did not slow me down, perhaps it made the day less enjoyable but too bad.
I headed to Stockton and half way there while bouncing over the nasty levee road I felt for my measuring wheel. It was not there. I had left early this morning to be sure to meet the kind realtor who was letting me in. Quickly considering the time it would take to go back to the house I plunged on. I've been needing a new wheel to measure with for some time as mine is cranky and often fails. I rushed into Home Depot and found their tapes and wheels. What a disappointment. The only thing close to a wheel was this bright yellow plastic monster with electronic readouts, reset buttons. Well when you are against the wall what do you do. Well you go ahead and buy it, wrestle it out of the cardboard it was attached to. So I ended up being late, 15 minutes in fact but the man was great and understanding. The wheel worked awfully. It sounded like a plastic toy truck as it rolled over the stucco and concrete, yes it did the job but it was no answer long term. In fact I returned it to another Home Depot later in the day, I could never use it on a regular basis. I'm not sure what it was designed for but it was not appraisers!
After completing the inspection of this beautifully updated home, the granite was amazing and the stainless steel appliances looked brand new. I next drove to Riverbank to shoot comp photos of duplex and 2 house properties for a report I am working on. Then it was home via Tracy where the Home Depot visit was made, then to the Mountain House Library to select a few books to take on the trip, on these wonder new IPOD sort of things, they fit in your hand but hold an entire book, very nice for travelling. By now the day was fleeting. When I approached Discovery Bay I knew I needed to put funds into the bank, but the mail person brought me no funds. I had the refund money from the wheel and I decided to rush to town to close out Nan's banking account, it has a few bucks. However that was not simple. In spite of my signing a card which added me to her account they had no such proof. So I had to fill out a two page form, be notarized and then I got my amazing $49.61. By the time I got back to the bank it was closed. By taking every dollar out of my wallet I deposited enough to cover what I knew was in the red. However to my dismay when I got home something else had come in and I was still overdrawn so another wasted $29 charge will await in the morning. Errr. I did try.
Finally I headed home and was told that I could go ahead and see a little condo unit here near by house. So as the darkness was approaching I inspected this nice little condo, inspected its attic with the new ladder and finally arrived home after dark.
This evening I've settled down and have just completed the appraisal for the house I saw this morning. Its already emailed to the lender and now I'm heading to bed. You see I'm taking Nikki and family to the airport in the morning at 5:15 so some sleep would be good.
After I make sure they are away I'll head to El Cerrito to do a driveby and then Concord for one that came in today. Then I'll head home to write up what I can before packing for my leaving on Sabbath Morning at 8:30 for Kona. How nice it will be to be with the family and enjoy 80 degree temperatures for a few days. Should I be going? Absolutely not if going is based on being able to afford to be away and the cost of the ticket. However I am going and I plan to fully enjoy every minute of it.
So my family and friends, I bid you a cheery good night.
love
tim
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Keanna does the Christmas tree
Dear Family and Friends,
There is something really special about that moment when you've pushed your way through moms and grandparents to be at the front of the line by the gate and then there is a squeal as Keanna spots you and runs to you with words rushing, arms swinging, coat dragging, a backpack slung over a shoulder. She has arrived and with her a zest for living, a step back in time to when Nikki and Jason used to rush out after school. It is a magic moment and only can be retained for a second or two, then Keanna has a list of must do items. As she makes her way through the throng of kids she waves to some, hugs others and smiles at all, finally we arrive at the car to be told by some irate mother we parked in the wrong place, interesting since cars and vans are parked everywhere blocking everyone else in until gradually they begin to crawl out.
Today Keanna nixed McDonalds and with that went my longing for some nasty fresh fries. Instead she wanted to go shopping at some store they have at the school. Well since my total liquid assets were contained in one dollar bill nestled in my day timer we drove to the bank where we found an account that would part with $20. Now we were rich so we drove back to the school to discover that the store opens tomorrow, not today after all.
The next plan was to unfold at home and upon arriving she fired up the
DVR, found Clifford the Big Red Dog and launched an episode. Since she had homework she demonstrated multi tasking 6 year old style by eating a jello, did her homework and observed the Clifford show as the same time. Soon she was seeking further nutrition so we started peeling Cuties, little orange thingies that she loves. Then it was saltine crackers and lecture on why I was out of popcorn. I mentioned the forlorn tree so she brightened to working on it. While I draped the little light sets around the tree she began to unwrap small delicate Christmas Tree ornaments that had been so carefully wrapped by Sharon long ago. Now the tree looks great and brightens the entire room. Unfortunately the angel that crowns the top won't stay upright but she is still doing a pretty good job.
DVR, found Clifford the Big Red Dog and launched an episode. Since she had homework she demonstrated multi tasking 6 year old style by eating a jello, did her homework and observed the Clifford show as the same time. Soon she was seeking further nutrition so we started peeling Cuties, little orange thingies that she loves. Then it was saltine crackers and lecture on why I was out of popcorn. I mentioned the forlorn tree so she brightened to working on it. While I draped the little light sets around the tree she began to unwrap small delicate Christmas Tree ornaments that had been so carefully wrapped by Sharon long ago. Now the tree looks great and brightens the entire room. Unfortunately the angel that crowns the top won't stay upright but she is still doing a pretty good job.
Before long Keanna began to discuss the merits of me buying her some reindeer ear rings that some of her friends from school were going to be wearing soon. She even knew the store where they could be found. So when we headed out for music class we went early and visited Claire's, a store that will drive you nuts if you happen to have a 6 year old with you. There are just way to many wonderful things that she wanted and of course they were out of the ear rings. So finally and tearfully we left the store, she was doing the crying and I was doing the coaxing.
Amazingly as we neared the bagel store where the music class is held she began to complain of hunger, could that be possible? So one Christmas cookie later she was in class and I took my first full breath in hours. Oh yes the cute little girl at the counter said $2.50 please and I told her we just wanted one, not a whole dozen, she froze me with a youthful stare and I found the $20 dollar bill. Keanna took one bite, hid the cookie in her bag and she was gone.
I cannot possibly understand how that young mother decided she needed 14 kidos to raise, was she crazy? Doing a decent job with one or two takes everything coping skill an adult can muster. 14????
So the whirlwind came, buzzed around and was gone, what a great enjoyable trip she is.
Now I know you who have grandchildren are shaking your heads in agreement and those so unlucky to be without are just wondering what afflicts older people with little kidos. Its the greatest excitement that exists! No wonder Jesus hushed his disciples and told the little ones to come to him. He needed a laugh, a smile, a kick. We were all young once and in God's timing it was not that long ago. What a good thing it is to be exposed to young minds and be challenged by their energy, their short attention spans, they instant movement from angry to happy and back.
So in the midst of a cold winter day Keanna turned everything to a game, to joy, to possibilities.
I send love to all including my kidos,
I am blessed,
tim
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
A strange time
Do you ever go on vacation mentally before you actually board the plane? I think I am experiencing a bit of pre vacation blues today. It was so cold when I woke that the dogs and I decided to just stay put for awhile. Finally we just had to jump up and into the shower. By the time I came down the furnace had warmed the house but I sensed that it was pretty cool outside. Later in the day when I went out I noticed a layer of thick ice in a little pool of water that had collected in the boat cover. I mean ice, not frost. Perhaps it really did get cool here last night.
Once the heater cycled back for the day to 62 the house quickly dropped its warmth. Starr the pug was shivering so I pointed a very special radiant heater at their little bed in the office and hoped I would get a bit of the warmth too. The next thing I noticed was both of them in their little bed enjoying the warm air. I've been cold most of the day and finally relented and built a fire, that helped a lot but I had to use one of my precious pieces of wood from Jerry's place in the process.
This evening Lois and Ray tempted me out for bargain pizza night. It was fun to take a break. I had planned to go to the club tonight to work out but I have a very sore spot in my chest which I think might be related to working out so I'll give it one more day before I go back.
Once again I am at that point where no new orders have come in for days and while I'm busy working up what I've already seen before long I'll be out of work but since I'm heading to Kona soon perhaps it is best. Yes it is hard to believe that by this time next week I'll be roughing it on the beaches with the temperature about 80 degrees and getting to be with the kidos.
Love
tim
Once the heater cycled back for the day to 62 the house quickly dropped its warmth. Starr the pug was shivering so I pointed a very special radiant heater at their little bed in the office and hoped I would get a bit of the warmth too. The next thing I noticed was both of them in their little bed enjoying the warm air. I've been cold most of the day and finally relented and built a fire, that helped a lot but I had to use one of my precious pieces of wood from Jerry's place in the process.
This evening Lois and Ray tempted me out for bargain pizza night. It was fun to take a break. I had planned to go to the club tonight to work out but I have a very sore spot in my chest which I think might be related to working out so I'll give it one more day before I go back.
Once again I am at that point where no new orders have come in for days and while I'm busy working up what I've already seen before long I'll be out of work but since I'm heading to Kona soon perhaps it is best. Yes it is hard to believe that by this time next week I'll be roughing it on the beaches with the temperature about 80 degrees and getting to be with the kidos.
Love
tim
Monday, December 7, 2009
Winter closes in on Northern California
Brrrr,
This evening the furnace is doing its thing more often than usual and the warm air feels very good. In a few minutes I'll go build a little fire and watch a bit of TV. I've earned it.
This morning I rose and went right to work. I wrote two appraisals that were due and it felt good to settle down and just write. With the computer working so well now things went real well. One went to the east coast for a short sale for a little place in Modesto and another went for a little place in Pacheco, homes were very similar, Modesto was just over $100K and the one in Pacheco was just under $300K. Location still means everything.
This afternoon I had to drive to Richmond to do a follow up inspection, its called a 442 or CIR inspection. Pays just $75 and requires 2 hours of driving through nasty holiday traffic. Not a good way to get rich but required if one wants to be an appraiser. When I reached the property I was startled to discover the front door unlocked and the key box hanging open. I went in very carefully not knowing what I would discover. What I did discover though was a house where all the little things I had called in the appraisal were completed and all was well. Still having a house standing open in that area is not good. I locked it as best I could and left a message for the broker.
On the way home I ventured into a strange Safeway. You just have to know I only go where I am used to everything as I hate to wander around. I found the few things I could afford and came home via Clayton and a back road without rush hour traffic.
I've been listening to a CD that I found. Nan and I purchased it when we were in the big easy, New Orleans on a brief trip. This was pre Katrina and were walking near the French Quarter by a huge cathedral. We heard wonderful choir music drifting from inside. A college choir was performing and afterwards they sold the one album they had made, a Christmas one. Until this afternoon it had never been opened. What glorious music to enjoy while driving. Nan and I were captivated by their clarity and precision and the CD sounds the same. Talk about a touch with the past.
Once again it is late evening and I'm fading fast. Could it be the warm air wafting around me from a nearby vent? or the mocha steaming in my cup?
I want to take a moment to thank everyone that reached out to me this past weekend to help me through the two year anniversary. I appreciate the love extended by family and friends alike. It helped a great deal. I know Nan would have been honored by the support extended.
love to all,
tim
This evening the furnace is doing its thing more often than usual and the warm air feels very good. In a few minutes I'll go build a little fire and watch a bit of TV. I've earned it.
This morning I rose and went right to work. I wrote two appraisals that were due and it felt good to settle down and just write. With the computer working so well now things went real well. One went to the east coast for a short sale for a little place in Modesto and another went for a little place in Pacheco, homes were very similar, Modesto was just over $100K and the one in Pacheco was just under $300K. Location still means everything.
This afternoon I had to drive to Richmond to do a follow up inspection, its called a 442 or CIR inspection. Pays just $75 and requires 2 hours of driving through nasty holiday traffic. Not a good way to get rich but required if one wants to be an appraiser. When I reached the property I was startled to discover the front door unlocked and the key box hanging open. I went in very carefully not knowing what I would discover. What I did discover though was a house where all the little things I had called in the appraisal were completed and all was well. Still having a house standing open in that area is not good. I locked it as best I could and left a message for the broker.
On the way home I ventured into a strange Safeway. You just have to know I only go where I am used to everything as I hate to wander around. I found the few things I could afford and came home via Clayton and a back road without rush hour traffic.
I've been listening to a CD that I found. Nan and I purchased it when we were in the big easy, New Orleans on a brief trip. This was pre Katrina and were walking near the French Quarter by a huge cathedral. We heard wonderful choir music drifting from inside. A college choir was performing and afterwards they sold the one album they had made, a Christmas one. Until this afternoon it had never been opened. What glorious music to enjoy while driving. Nan and I were captivated by their clarity and precision and the CD sounds the same. Talk about a touch with the past.
Once again it is late evening and I'm fading fast. Could it be the warm air wafting around me from a nearby vent? or the mocha steaming in my cup?
I want to take a moment to thank everyone that reached out to me this past weekend to help me through the two year anniversary. I appreciate the love extended by family and friends alike. It helped a great deal. I know Nan would have been honored by the support extended.
love to all,
tim
Sunday, December 6, 2009
PS
As I was preparing to go up to bed I happened onto a Christmas concert on KQED one of our local public stations. The concert features Andre Bocelli. The concert was magic and had a beautiful orchestra, great soloists and even the Muppets had a part. If you happen to get a chance to see it please give it a try. His has an incredible voice and his arrangements of Christmas favorites are lush, perfectly pitched and beautiful. The staging is beautiful and in spite of the sales pitches to become members of the public broadcasting support system it is worth it all. Just had to share what a wonderful thing music is and as I listened I remembered that music was what brought Nan and me together so long ago at Pinecrest Summer Camp. Who knows music might yet play a part in my future as well. With all the challenges and problems we face lets not forget music and its power to make us better, happier and more positive.
Good night again,
Tim
Good night again,
Tim
Brrr, its cold here these days
OK OK I know I'm not getting snow like Houston or really cold weather like Rhode Island or Conn. Yes I know we in California tend to shout freezing when the weather is below 40 degrees but still it is cold here, I may have to buy firewood. The wood I brought from Jerry's in the bay of the motorhome is getting used up, darn.
After the big night with the ladies I slept in until 9:30 this morning. That is the latest I've slept in for years and years. It actually felt good. Once I climbed out from bed at the dogs prompting I came down and had a breakfast of cereal, rice milk and fruit. Then I prepared for the appraisal in a little town known as Pacheco. It is a tiny area nestled between Martinez and Concord. The house was in good shape and the broker told me this is the 11th house the buyers have tried to buy but they have been beat on all the rest with higher bidders against them. Looks like they will get this one.
When I went to the garage to start the bug it refused to crank over fast enough to start. The little charger was pretty low and would not do the trick either. So I went for the van which was low on fuel. So with the onboard computer telling me I had 67 miles before empty I left. Since there was not rush I drove 65 and it got 23.7 miles per gallon. It was fun to ride in comfort and with a seat heater, that was Marilyn's favorite feature! Just ask her. She likes it even in the summer when its 110 outside!
Just as I finished up it started to sprinkle and I headed back. Now with the computer telling me I had even fewer miles left I slowed to 60. Do you know how angry that makes people, someone driving 60! Well I made it back to the club and what a mental war that was. Common sense said, get home and work, but my commitment said do the workout now, you won't get back to do it later. So I went to the club and did my thing. Afterwards I was very glad I did but my blood sugar was low so I rushed home to eat some little tiny rolls that Joyce had sent home with me with some Scallops that Pam had brought. She brought me sacks of food and as I began to put it away I was overwhelmed with all the selection of foods. Most are from her days with Nutrisystem and they are specially created to help with weight loss. She must have brought be 6 sacks of goodies. I had one this afternoon and it was very tasty, thank you Pam and Merry Christmas to you too.
I settled in to write an appraisal and finished it a little while ago. Now I'm working on the one I saw today. Seems I have lots of loose ends to pull together this week as I look forward to taking a brief mission trip to Kona this coming Saturday. I can't believe it is here already and I have so many reports to finish before I leave.
This evening I've been trying to download the program into my laptop for the trip but it hangs up and won't let the program in. Not good!
I'm going to include a couple photos with tonights blog, one is the little tree at Nan's gravesite standing guard. The other is Keanna helping with the tree.
So I'm sending love to all this evening, stay warm my friend, pray that the horrible health care mess they are pushing through will be stopped. Only 35% of Americans support the plan but they seem determined to cram it down our throats anyway. We pay taxes for it for 4 years before it does anything for anyone. This is a mess and only our calls and emails can make them think again about doing a better job of fixing the problems.
Good night to all,
love
tim
A really blessed Sabbath Day
Dear Family and Friends,
Its 12:15 and I'm just in from an enjoyable evening with Joyce and Sylvia. Joyce had food ready when we arrived and it was so very good. Then we talked for awhile and finally ended up watching an outstanding movie. It was a great evening.
Keanna started my day this morning with her gentle and silent entry to my bedside where she made herself known after a bit. We had Belgium waffles and fruit and then drove to Sabbath School. Keanna went her way to Kingdom Kids where Sylvia, Rod and Wes are in charge. I was able to attend an adult SS class. Today Dick Lanza and Ron Berrenchi were talking about their recent mission trip to Africa, it was really interesting to hear of their adventures as they built a church.
After Sabbath School Pam joined us and we drove over to Olive Garden where Nikki and Kallie hooked up. We had a lively lunch with great conversation and the interesting addition of observing Kallie feed herself. She does pretty well and loves to dip her food in Ranch dressing.
After lunch Nikki and Kallie headed home so a nap could be enjoyed while Pam followed us and we drove to my house where Keanna and Pam worked on the tree a bit and Pam helped Keanna put the angel on the top of the tree. Pam had a Rosemary tree which looked just like a tiny Christmas tree and we drove to Nan's graveside and placed the tree there in memory of how much she loved the whole Christmas time.
I dropped Keanna off and then Pam drove home and I left for the evening with Joyce and Sylvia. I have certainly felt the love of friends and family today. Jason checked in this afternoon after spending some time in the Pacific Ocean. He enjoyed it very much.
So now after a huge day of joy I'm heading to bed for a much needed rest.
Love to all who have made this time of remembering Nan in a special way at the two year point of her passing a positive time for me. You are all precious to our family.
Love
tim
Its 12:15 and I'm just in from an enjoyable evening with Joyce and Sylvia. Joyce had food ready when we arrived and it was so very good. Then we talked for awhile and finally ended up watching an outstanding movie. It was a great evening.
Keanna started my day this morning with her gentle and silent entry to my bedside where she made herself known after a bit. We had Belgium waffles and fruit and then drove to Sabbath School. Keanna went her way to Kingdom Kids where Sylvia, Rod and Wes are in charge. I was able to attend an adult SS class. Today Dick Lanza and Ron Berrenchi were talking about their recent mission trip to Africa, it was really interesting to hear of their adventures as they built a church.
After Sabbath School Pam joined us and we drove over to Olive Garden where Nikki and Kallie hooked up. We had a lively lunch with great conversation and the interesting addition of observing Kallie feed herself. She does pretty well and loves to dip her food in Ranch dressing.
After lunch Nikki and Kallie headed home so a nap could be enjoyed while Pam followed us and we drove to my house where Keanna and Pam worked on the tree a bit and Pam helped Keanna put the angel on the top of the tree. Pam had a Rosemary tree which looked just like a tiny Christmas tree and we drove to Nan's graveside and placed the tree there in memory of how much she loved the whole Christmas time.
I dropped Keanna off and then Pam drove home and I left for the evening with Joyce and Sylvia. I have certainly felt the love of friends and family today. Jason checked in this afternoon after spending some time in the Pacific Ocean. He enjoyed it very much.
So now after a huge day of joy I'm heading to bed for a much needed rest.
Love to all who have made this time of remembering Nan in a special way at the two year point of her passing a positive time for me. You are all precious to our family.
Love
tim
Friday, December 4, 2009
Friends and family lend moral support
Dear Family and Friends,
It is 9:55 and I am totally exhausted. I knew this would be a challenging day but I did not expect the outpouring of support that has happened. Friends and family have checked in today with support and were quick to listen and reminisce with me about living with Nan and then losing her. George Miller called and his call set the tone for the day, it was supportive, he shared and encouraged and his words lifted my spirits. Then I had the high privilege of lunch with Roger and Carol at the Olive Garden in Stockton. After lunch I drove to Modesto where I inspected a little house that is bank owned. As I was in the house walking around Dana called and in the course of the conversation mentioned that she was wearing her angel today. Later as I was driving home Sharon called to say she was also wearing her angel. For those of you who don't know Nan loved collecting angels and had a special source of angels so this was a common thread between the ladies. Irene also called this afternoon and we shared a few very precious minutes remembering Nan and Irene's loving care of her in so many different places over the years. I know Irene will not mind me mentioning that she really needs our prayers as she is facing serious health threats and her life is difficult right now. That she found the strength to call was deeply touching to me, what a lady she is.
Of course I've spent time with Nikki and Jason today and both are doing well yet saddened as they too remember so much about their mom.
This evening I've heard from Art and Pam and also had wonderful emails from friends. In spite of the wonderful support I'm drained this evening. I had such wonderful plans to join with Keanna in setting up the tree and decorating it. Well we got as far as cutting off the netting, Keanna appeared in the garage with scissors and took care of that. Then she used the drill to put a hole in the bottom of the trunk so we could insert the stand we use. After we stood it up she found a box by noticing that the word Christmas was written across it. Sharon had carefully wrapped delicate Christmas decorations and Keanna unwrapped an angel and hung it on the tree, that is the picture at the head of this blog.
I made dinner for us and now Keanna is sleeping in the carefully made bed, thanks Jason and Jo. Before retiring Keanna read me an entire book nearly flawlessly and was so proud of herself for doing so. I was a bit proud too of her.
So together we made it through the day and we honored Nan in the process.
Thank you for your grand support and genuine love over these past two years since her passing.
love to each and every one of you.
Tim
Thursday, December 3, 2009
Counting the hours
Dear Family and Friends,
In just a few hours Nan will have been gone for 2 full years. On that fateful evening so long ago Nan's breathing has shallowed and slowed and we knew our time together was short. All of us had made our peace with Nan and told her her fight had been a perfect one but she should feel free to rest. Sharon had finally run out of time and had to return to Texas. For weeks I had been sleeping in the big blue recliner in the family room near the hospital bed. Each night Nan would stir several times searching for her flashlight or a sip of water and I would hear her and jump up and help her. She was always so sweet and would touch my hand or relax when she saw I was beside her. Then she would settle down and go back to sleep. On the last night I pulled the recliner next to the bed so I could face her while she slept and hear any movement. During the night I observed that her breathing was more and more gentle and about 5 in the morning I heard her take a couple extra breaths and then there was silence. It was a moment which is frozen in my memory and in that moment everything changed. This stunningly beautiful girl who said yes to a life with me, who made music with me for 36 years, who brought the most wonderful little babies into this world, who lived intensely, who loved lavishly, who shopped incessantly, who could cut you down with a look, who could brighten your day with a smile, this woman who had created a world I loved, she now was lost to the ages. No one knows why or how GIST arrives or how long it has been there lingering in the body before it begins to explode with uncontrolled growth but its effects are terrible. It took my baby away.
For the most part I am not bitter, more lost than angry, stumbling about searching for the next step, for a reason to work so hard, fail so much, hurt so often.
When I look about and my eyes fall on others who have lost loves ones they all seem to be doing fine, is that how I look to a causal observer and what does it mean when someone says, how are you doing and you say, I'm OK. What is OK? Is it getting up every day, going through life's motions of eating, showering, dressing, working? Does that mean one is OK? Well yes it does to an outside observer and then there are those on the inner circle who know the truth.
One powerful thing I learned from the time spent in the grief group, that when survivors get a chance to speak to other survivors nearly everything they say is quite different from conversations with those who have not lost.
In a very real way when your lover dies much of you dies as well. Those parts of your life together that meant the most, tender and caring moments, safe times when you were totally secure in your someones love and life, moments behind closed doors when you were home, at one, you two versus the world. All of that is wiped out with your lovers last breath. Now you are in a little boat as life sails away, you are rowing in an angry sea alone, frightened, defeated, wondering if your little gestures, your little private ways would ever be appreciated again, all that made life really special and worth living is wiped out in a blink.
You know many others are rowing their little boats too, you often meet and even sometimes you can share and talk but its not the same at all. You wonder, was it worth it to love so much, to invest so much of everything in someone and then see them pulled away yet you know it was good, very good, right, blessed.
So at moments like this I remember much, I miss much, I feel the emptiness that has become so normal, so usual it has become almost a new way of life.
There are very bright moments, moments with these precious people called family, like tonight with Keanna at gymnastics and then dinner. Out of her six year old running commentary sometimes there are these special moments when what she says makes so much sense, it is just special. And playing with Timothy last week, watching him develop, seeing him grow before your eyes. Life is not devoid of bright moments and they are precious, appreciated and treasured but they are not a substitute for the wealth of a caring on going relationship between two adults growing old together.
So at this point I run the memories, smile at the high points, shake my head at the low ones and strive to be of some help to anyone along the way.
Nan was not perfect but she was a very special woman, sexy, stubborn, fast driving, caring, driven who loved the people she felt were hers to love in very amazing ways. I am totally blessed to have been the one she selected and I'm deeply grateful to God for the honor of being her Rock as she needed me in her final years. I did well at the finish and she knew I loved her very much.
love to all our family and friends,
tim
In just a few hours Nan will have been gone for 2 full years. On that fateful evening so long ago Nan's breathing has shallowed and slowed and we knew our time together was short. All of us had made our peace with Nan and told her her fight had been a perfect one but she should feel free to rest. Sharon had finally run out of time and had to return to Texas. For weeks I had been sleeping in the big blue recliner in the family room near the hospital bed. Each night Nan would stir several times searching for her flashlight or a sip of water and I would hear her and jump up and help her. She was always so sweet and would touch my hand or relax when she saw I was beside her. Then she would settle down and go back to sleep. On the last night I pulled the recliner next to the bed so I could face her while she slept and hear any movement. During the night I observed that her breathing was more and more gentle and about 5 in the morning I heard her take a couple extra breaths and then there was silence. It was a moment which is frozen in my memory and in that moment everything changed. This stunningly beautiful girl who said yes to a life with me, who made music with me for 36 years, who brought the most wonderful little babies into this world, who lived intensely, who loved lavishly, who shopped incessantly, who could cut you down with a look, who could brighten your day with a smile, this woman who had created a world I loved, she now was lost to the ages. No one knows why or how GIST arrives or how long it has been there lingering in the body before it begins to explode with uncontrolled growth but its effects are terrible. It took my baby away.
For the most part I am not bitter, more lost than angry, stumbling about searching for the next step, for a reason to work so hard, fail so much, hurt so often.
When I look about and my eyes fall on others who have lost loves ones they all seem to be doing fine, is that how I look to a causal observer and what does it mean when someone says, how are you doing and you say, I'm OK. What is OK? Is it getting up every day, going through life's motions of eating, showering, dressing, working? Does that mean one is OK? Well yes it does to an outside observer and then there are those on the inner circle who know the truth.
One powerful thing I learned from the time spent in the grief group, that when survivors get a chance to speak to other survivors nearly everything they say is quite different from conversations with those who have not lost.
In a very real way when your lover dies much of you dies as well. Those parts of your life together that meant the most, tender and caring moments, safe times when you were totally secure in your someones love and life, moments behind closed doors when you were home, at one, you two versus the world. All of that is wiped out with your lovers last breath. Now you are in a little boat as life sails away, you are rowing in an angry sea alone, frightened, defeated, wondering if your little gestures, your little private ways would ever be appreciated again, all that made life really special and worth living is wiped out in a blink.
You know many others are rowing their little boats too, you often meet and even sometimes you can share and talk but its not the same at all. You wonder, was it worth it to love so much, to invest so much of everything in someone and then see them pulled away yet you know it was good, very good, right, blessed.
So at moments like this I remember much, I miss much, I feel the emptiness that has become so normal, so usual it has become almost a new way of life.
There are very bright moments, moments with these precious people called family, like tonight with Keanna at gymnastics and then dinner. Out of her six year old running commentary sometimes there are these special moments when what she says makes so much sense, it is just special. And playing with Timothy last week, watching him develop, seeing him grow before your eyes. Life is not devoid of bright moments and they are precious, appreciated and treasured but they are not a substitute for the wealth of a caring on going relationship between two adults growing old together.
So at this point I run the memories, smile at the high points, shake my head at the low ones and strive to be of some help to anyone along the way.
Nan was not perfect but she was a very special woman, sexy, stubborn, fast driving, caring, driven who loved the people she felt were hers to love in very amazing ways. I am totally blessed to have been the one she selected and I'm deeply grateful to God for the honor of being her Rock as she needed me in her final years. I did well at the finish and she knew I loved her very much.
love to all our family and friends,
tim
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
Keanna helps me find a tree
Dear Family and Friends,
This afternoon Keanna and I drove to the local Lowes and waded through hundreds of beautiful Christmas trees. Finally we found one that was just right, its little but perfect in shape and Keanna loves it. On Friday evening she and I will begin to decorate it providing I can locate some decorations by then. We had a fun afternoon. This morning I drove over to Hayward to see a house. Once I left the car I discovered that the foggy morning was also very chilly so I was glad for a little jacket I found somewhere in a closet. The nice owner never showed up and I was on a tight time crunch as I had to get back to pick up Keanna at 12:45 from school. When I got back to the car the cell phone had no service. So I quickly drove until several bars appeared and I could make a call. I was able to locate her and then drive to her office where she gave me a check.
Once I arrived in Discovery Bay I had just enough minutes to stop by the bank and deposit the check bringing the account back into the positive side. Once I got home I discovered that another check had arrived in the mail so I got that one in also. Its been a very tight time, always is around the end of the month.
After our tree finding adventure I delivered Keanna to her music class and then headed home first stopping to pick up meds at CVS. After I arrived at home I picked up the gym bag which was in the bug and drove back to town to work out. I met a guy tonight that is just starting back to the club and likes to play racquet ball so perhaps in the future we can play. He said that when he was coming to the club on a regular basis he would do 250 crunches. I just about croak with just 24 crunches although I noticed that they were much easier tonight with less residual pain, is that progress or did I just do them wrong?
Tomorrow I'm off to a little town over in the valley to do an appraisal and wonder of wonders I pick up a check there too. Nice and I'm thankful, very thankful for every dime.
Now its time for bed, Ken, my drill master called to say we were walking in the morning, that 6:15 business comes early.
Love to all
Tim
ps Patty brought a lovely Christmas basket this afternoon and Keanna and I had a blast opening it and enjoying all the color and the treats. It was a special moment.
This afternoon Keanna and I drove to the local Lowes and waded through hundreds of beautiful Christmas trees. Finally we found one that was just right, its little but perfect in shape and Keanna loves it. On Friday evening she and I will begin to decorate it providing I can locate some decorations by then. We had a fun afternoon. This morning I drove over to Hayward to see a house. Once I left the car I discovered that the foggy morning was also very chilly so I was glad for a little jacket I found somewhere in a closet. The nice owner never showed up and I was on a tight time crunch as I had to get back to pick up Keanna at 12:45 from school. When I got back to the car the cell phone had no service. So I quickly drove until several bars appeared and I could make a call. I was able to locate her and then drive to her office where she gave me a check.
Once I arrived in Discovery Bay I had just enough minutes to stop by the bank and deposit the check bringing the account back into the positive side. Once I got home I discovered that another check had arrived in the mail so I got that one in also. Its been a very tight time, always is around the end of the month.
After our tree finding adventure I delivered Keanna to her music class and then headed home first stopping to pick up meds at CVS. After I arrived at home I picked up the gym bag which was in the bug and drove back to town to work out. I met a guy tonight that is just starting back to the club and likes to play racquet ball so perhaps in the future we can play. He said that when he was coming to the club on a regular basis he would do 250 crunches. I just about croak with just 24 crunches although I noticed that they were much easier tonight with less residual pain, is that progress or did I just do them wrong?
Tomorrow I'm off to a little town over in the valley to do an appraisal and wonder of wonders I pick up a check there too. Nice and I'm thankful, very thankful for every dime.
Now its time for bed, Ken, my drill master called to say we were walking in the morning, that 6:15 business comes early.
Love to all
Tim
ps Patty brought a lovely Christmas basket this afternoon and Keanna and I had a blast opening it and enjoying all the color and the treats. It was a special moment.
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Upcoming milestone
Dear Family and Friends,
I'm huddled in my little office with beautiful music playing from the public station in Sacramento. KXPR can be found through the web at capradio.org and it is a real find. Joyce turned me onto this source of outstanding music. It is a station with very little conversation and high quality music. I listen to mine through some Bose speakers which attach to the computer, I purchased them years ago at an outlet store in Gilroy and they continue to perform perfectly year after year. Although the heat is on the air is chilly in my office. The dogs are sleeping nearby always ready to accompany me to the kitchen in hopes of treats, at least they are transparent, I know where they stand, they always want treats and can never have too many. Oh that life was that simple.
Today I traveled to Vallejo where I inspected a little house which had been given the treatment, paint, new kitchen, new bathrooms, new tile on the floor. On this one they stopped before putting down the new carpet so we have bare floors. That will have to be solved before the loan closes. I was able to access the attic where I found loads of insulation waiting. That new ladder sure comes in handy, extends 12.5 feet yet fits in the trunk of my bug, simply amazing, another of those very special gifts that just keep on giving!
Looks like the SF inspection was for naught. Bank of American guidelines state they only will loan on a property that is mostly surrounded by other single family homes and where that is the driving use. The subject sits on a street where every property has a storefront selling food, insurance, real estate, services of some kind. This is not a street that is dominated by single family homes. So my trip will probably be a freebie. It happens a lot.
While I continue to battle the edges of a cold in general I'm feeling more loose. The workouts are starting to make a difference in my balance, in my ability to move with more strength and doing the ordinary things of life and work seems to be slightly easier. I'm extremely pleased with what the club offers and so far very glad I made the move.
In the morning I'm off to Hayward to see a property for a bankruptcy and then come back to pick up Ms Keanna. We will start our Christmas Tree search if all works out right. She seems willing to help and I think that should take some of the sting out of searching without Nan. This is the season that Nan lived for, she shopped all year to find just the right thing in the right color and size for everyone, she loved looking for the right tree. In our years we've had some pretty splendid trees. The most unusual was one from Christmas Tree Land at Cal Expo. We took two weeks off every year and worked there to make Christmas money. We were in ministry and the budget did not have room for Nan's love of Christmas. By working long hours at this huge tree outlet we made $1,500 or so which for those days was a huge amount. Of course since we worked there we had the pick of thousands of trees. Nan found a perfect Noble Fir and then began to carefully wire strings of lights to every branch and bough. They she had the flock crew do a special flock job over the lights. The result was nothing short of magic with the many different colors of lights twinkling through the snow. I think we kept that tree up until Valentines day and it was perfect when we took it down finally. It is a wonderful memory from a time when the kidos were little, life was simple and we were all healthy and young!
I've not mentioned it but I spent some time at Nan's graveside the other day after Jason and Jo had left for home. I have determined that one way or the other I'll have a grave marker at her grave by her birthday which is toward the last of January. Many of you know her birthdate since you came year after year to celebrate her birthday during the final years. How she enjoyed seeing everyone and reconnecting to family and friend alike.
On December 4 Nan will have been sleeping for two full years. The final days of her life are etched into my memory and will probably be forever. No one could have lived their final days, months, years better than she did. She did it day by day with grace, kindness and determination. She was a delight to live with and her biggest concern was how I would do without her. She knew me better than any one else, she knew my few strengths and my many weaknesses. She had helped me so much with living over the years and she knew how fragile my emotions were, are. In many ways she was right, it has been an almost impossible adjustment, to living life alone yet I've done it and I know she would be very proud and pleased.
I know some people in relationships dream of getting out, of being alone, of being able to be selfish and just do their own thing without any strings attached. Yet I wonder if they really know what they are dreaming of, the waking every morning with an empty pillow beside you, the Friday nights when the trials and pressures of the week have wound down and finally you just get to sit in peace with the one you love, you don't have to say a lot or do a lot, just sit and relax with that someone who is special beyond all others in the world. I'm sure there are lots of great things to say about being alone, I personally view it as this dark time I am passing through. I find no merit in going it alone, it is just what I have right now.
I'm trusting that God is near even in this dismal wilderness of self. Yet I'm open to possibilities, not hell bent on making them happen, just open.
If any of you would like to join me in the process of placing a marker by Nan's resting place I am open to ideas for wording to be placed on the stone, type of stone, shape of stone, funds to help, even places that might do this work for a good deal. You know Nan liked to shop and if QVC had a marker on the payment plan she would already have it!!
And so another day rolls by with little fanfare, just work and sleep, walk and exercise and enjoy kidos and family / friends. God bless you all.
Tim
I'm huddled in my little office with beautiful music playing from the public station in Sacramento. KXPR can be found through the web at capradio.org and it is a real find. Joyce turned me onto this source of outstanding music. It is a station with very little conversation and high quality music. I listen to mine through some Bose speakers which attach to the computer, I purchased them years ago at an outlet store in Gilroy and they continue to perform perfectly year after year. Although the heat is on the air is chilly in my office. The dogs are sleeping nearby always ready to accompany me to the kitchen in hopes of treats, at least they are transparent, I know where they stand, they always want treats and can never have too many. Oh that life was that simple.
Today I traveled to Vallejo where I inspected a little house which had been given the treatment, paint, new kitchen, new bathrooms, new tile on the floor. On this one they stopped before putting down the new carpet so we have bare floors. That will have to be solved before the loan closes. I was able to access the attic where I found loads of insulation waiting. That new ladder sure comes in handy, extends 12.5 feet yet fits in the trunk of my bug, simply amazing, another of those very special gifts that just keep on giving!
Looks like the SF inspection was for naught. Bank of American guidelines state they only will loan on a property that is mostly surrounded by other single family homes and where that is the driving use. The subject sits on a street where every property has a storefront selling food, insurance, real estate, services of some kind. This is not a street that is dominated by single family homes. So my trip will probably be a freebie. It happens a lot.
While I continue to battle the edges of a cold in general I'm feeling more loose. The workouts are starting to make a difference in my balance, in my ability to move with more strength and doing the ordinary things of life and work seems to be slightly easier. I'm extremely pleased with what the club offers and so far very glad I made the move.
In the morning I'm off to Hayward to see a property for a bankruptcy and then come back to pick up Ms Keanna. We will start our Christmas Tree search if all works out right. She seems willing to help and I think that should take some of the sting out of searching without Nan. This is the season that Nan lived for, she shopped all year to find just the right thing in the right color and size for everyone, she loved looking for the right tree. In our years we've had some pretty splendid trees. The most unusual was one from Christmas Tree Land at Cal Expo. We took two weeks off every year and worked there to make Christmas money. We were in ministry and the budget did not have room for Nan's love of Christmas. By working long hours at this huge tree outlet we made $1,500 or so which for those days was a huge amount. Of course since we worked there we had the pick of thousands of trees. Nan found a perfect Noble Fir and then began to carefully wire strings of lights to every branch and bough. They she had the flock crew do a special flock job over the lights. The result was nothing short of magic with the many different colors of lights twinkling through the snow. I think we kept that tree up until Valentines day and it was perfect when we took it down finally. It is a wonderful memory from a time when the kidos were little, life was simple and we were all healthy and young!
I've not mentioned it but I spent some time at Nan's graveside the other day after Jason and Jo had left for home. I have determined that one way or the other I'll have a grave marker at her grave by her birthday which is toward the last of January. Many of you know her birthdate since you came year after year to celebrate her birthday during the final years. How she enjoyed seeing everyone and reconnecting to family and friend alike.
On December 4 Nan will have been sleeping for two full years. The final days of her life are etched into my memory and will probably be forever. No one could have lived their final days, months, years better than she did. She did it day by day with grace, kindness and determination. She was a delight to live with and her biggest concern was how I would do without her. She knew me better than any one else, she knew my few strengths and my many weaknesses. She had helped me so much with living over the years and she knew how fragile my emotions were, are. In many ways she was right, it has been an almost impossible adjustment, to living life alone yet I've done it and I know she would be very proud and pleased.
I know some people in relationships dream of getting out, of being alone, of being able to be selfish and just do their own thing without any strings attached. Yet I wonder if they really know what they are dreaming of, the waking every morning with an empty pillow beside you, the Friday nights when the trials and pressures of the week have wound down and finally you just get to sit in peace with the one you love, you don't have to say a lot or do a lot, just sit and relax with that someone who is special beyond all others in the world. I'm sure there are lots of great things to say about being alone, I personally view it as this dark time I am passing through. I find no merit in going it alone, it is just what I have right now.
I'm trusting that God is near even in this dismal wilderness of self. Yet I'm open to possibilities, not hell bent on making them happen, just open.
If any of you would like to join me in the process of placing a marker by Nan's resting place I am open to ideas for wording to be placed on the stone, type of stone, shape of stone, funds to help, even places that might do this work for a good deal. You know Nan liked to shop and if QVC had a marker on the payment plan she would already have it!!
And so another day rolls by with little fanfare, just work and sleep, walk and exercise and enjoy kidos and family / friends. God bless you all.
Tim
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