A low Sunday

Dear Family and Friends,
I am writing early because writing here is something I can actually do and am willing to do. I've been battling with depression today yet have accomplished a few things. Marilyn has refused to come back and take down the deer that she installed in the front yard. I'm sure her contract required her to repack the deer but she says something about a little matter of 3,500 miles distance and she is needed where she is, so the deer are in a pile in the garage safe from the wind and neighbor dogs. I also revamped the boat cover over our ski boat which has been holding many gallons of water instead of the water just running off. As usual I installed a single light bulb which burns all winter under the cover, that single light bulb will keep the interior of the boat dry and help maintain the condition of the interior seating etc. Steve purchased just the right cover this year and it works great, just needed a little support so the rain drops will run off instead of pooling. I brought in firewood to dry before the next round of rain. Lunch found me with a bowl of split pea soup we got on the last motorhome trip we made to Jason and Jo's house. We stopped at Anderson's split pea eating place along the freeway. The soup was good and I found a huge box of crackers, more than I could eat in a year. I keep finding things, many of which get thrown away, others I tuck away in hopes that I might use them. There are so many parts of our life that I never had anything to do with, I just was on the receiving end of good food well prepared, of having clothes that fit and were clean, of the social calendar being cared for, suddenly its all up to me and I'm sometimes overwhelmed. For example I am dreading the root canal with reports from you that range of nothing, got up out of the chair and went back to work to many months of follow up agony so I don't know what to expect but I do expect it to be nasty business since I gag easily when even someone suggests they put their fist down my throat. I'm also apprehensive about Tuesday Dr. visit where I find out the results of my blood work.
I walked the dogs this morning to the park and found myself winded when I got home. They enjoyed the chance to get out but I didn't get the emotional lift I usually have had in the past.
The thing I don't enjoy about being alone is having to think way too much about me, I like it a lot better when the focus of my living is on someone else.
As you can see I've changed the name of the blog today. This was done at the request of several people who felt it was time to make a positive change. I hope the new one is better and explains the current status of what I have to report. Eventually I'll drop back to just writing a couple times a week.
I discovered that there are music channels on my digital cable box for the TV. One of the channels is KQED, a classical station from the bay area that is so good and enjoyable. I further found out that I can run audio cables directly from the box to the receiver so once I find the station I don't even have to leave the TV on. I like to have classical music in the background, sort of makes the house less creepy and still.
This evening I need to settle down and complete some work that is needed by lenders. I also have a few orders to make appointments for but since I'm not sure of my condition after the root canal I hesitate to make them for tomorrow, yet I very much need to. What to do?
Lets be clear about one thing, I know I have much to be thankful for, that Nan was able to pass in her sleep without agony and misery at that point, that her family from Texas and Denver were wonderful and supportive, that my family has been incredible in their kindness and support and for the hundreds of cards and emails from you. I read and reread every one and let the messages soak in. I know what has happened to nan is unfair, a beautiful lady should not have to go at 55 years old, yet it has happened and we did everything humanly possible to save her and eventually had to admit defeat. I am thankful that I was good to her, that I cared for her, that I gave her my very best. If there was one thing Steve Ahn pounded into my head, I did OK as a caregiver and I thank him for that.
As I wander around the house I see many things that could use my attention, so far I've got the reef tank into better condition, I've got most of the laundry caught up but there are so many projects yet to do. I need to ship out the wonderful DVD's of the services to those of you who have mentioned that you would like them. I need to thank the many who have written expressing support. I need to water the plants, feed the dogs, clean the cat box, clean this office and on it goes. I have not done any of it today, just sat in the gloom.
I'm told it gets easier as time progresses. I am amazed at the hold Nan has on my heart and my thoughts and memories. What a tremendous privilege I've had to be with her for so long.

Well I thank you for listening and I would appreciate your prayers for tomorrow and my appointment with Dr. Doom.

I really appreciate all of you tonight.

love

tim