Thoughts on love...

Dear Family and Friends,

As I drove to Richmond this afternoon I spent some time thinking about love, what it is and what it is not and how its reality changes over the years. My thoughts, love is not easy, it is somewhat rare, it makes a huge difference in the quality of life, it changes shape, texture, depth, meaning. When I first met Nan, had the chance to spend time with her, starting blending my voice with hers in music, started to get close to her I found my life changing but I was still a pretty selfish guy, mostly concerned about what I thought and what others thought of me, I thought I was galant at times, thoughtful, tender hearted but mostly I just wanted to be with her, to bask in her beauty, to hear her words, to look into those beautiful bedroom eyes she had, blue, clear, penetrating. My love for her was in fact very shallow, it was the best I knew how to do then, due to my folks divorcing when I was about 11 I actually knew little of love and commitment and caring. Nan decided to cast her lot in with mine and we married, drove across the country together to Andrews and started our lives together. I still knew little of really how to love. As the children arrived I did a lousy job of helping Nan with their care. The church and the ministry always came before her needs, she did not complain but I could have done so much better, I look with wonder at how Steve and Jason help with their little ones. That could have been me, instead of being a third child for Nan to raise I could have been an actual helper.

Even when we discovered the first tumor and Nan had the first of 5 surgeries and was in the hospital I did not get it, the loving with the whole heart, loving until it was obvious, helpful, moving, unavoidable, blatant. No, I would drift in after a full days work at 9 or 10 at night and spend a few minutes and then selfishly head home to sleep. It took more surgeries, repeated bad CT scans, awful reports, to finally get through my thick head that Nan was in trouble and she needed my whole heart, a commitment of every fiber of my being, the real deeply felt words and actions, she needed me to be her real lover no matter what the future held. And fortunately I slowly began to respond to her needs, to her precious heart, to her courage, her fears, her tears. She needed more from me than I had ever produced before, she needed things from me that did not come easy, that cost a terrible price, she needed to know she was the most important person in the whole world, that no matter what she could count on me stepping up, learning whatever I needed to know and doing it on a faithful regular basis. From out of my selfishness something better emerged, she called me her rock. Day or night, pretty or messy, I was there and I ended loving being there. Ours ended up being a tender, loving, arm in arm walk through hell never wavering or thinking of bailing, just doing the right thing no matter how afraid or tired I happened to be at that moment, the facts were she was more tired, more afraid so we faced it all together. I am so deeply grateful to nan for her patience with me as I grew up slowly but fortunately finally became what she needed over the final years. She became first finally, not work, not distractions, it was Nan and what ever she needed at the moment. I loved doing it, everything, finally after all those 36 years she could count on me and not just get excuses. I think that is what love is, yes its nice cards with tender words, yes its even perfume or candy but on a deeper level it is being there when someone needs you, not part of the time, not when it happens to fit the schedule but ALL the time.

The only problem with learning how to love deeply, completely is when the object of your affection, your love in action is finally taken away in spite of all of your best efforts, gone, quiet, and you are alone. What do you do for a encore? Whose rock are you now?

I've found some satisfaction this week in helping in the Power Lab, the local VBS, each night my heart resisted less and I did find meaning in drudging up some old skills. I had 4 very interesting guys in my group and I think she enjoyed the experience this week. I've included a photo showing the group, last night there were 99 in attendance. 99 lives touched and 55 or so helpers who also were inspired. Not bad at all.

What is love? Well a lot has been said about love and I'm wondering what forms love will take now. I enjoy Keanna, Kallie and Timothy a lot and they need my energy and being a good pappa. Will there be something similar to the kind of profound love I feel for Nan ever again? How does one know? Do I even want to go there again? Really wasn't once enough for a life time when it was this good? At this point God only knows my future, your future too. At this point I am living such a precarious existence, not much time for options other than survival right now. Its OK though.

Thanks for listening, ideas you might have would be appreciated. Have I encouraged you to think deeper about your love? I hope so, don't wait until a crisis looms to really go all out and love that special person. Don't wait another day.

love

tim