Friday at last, Keanna has come to visit

Dear Family and Friends,
After a week of ups and downs, of emotional moments and some work related stress events, after hundreds of miles driven safely, after it all there is peace.
First off I am thankful to have such a great family, and then to have caring friends who call and write and pray and listen.
It seems each week brings a deeper awareness of the loss of Nan, of what it really means to say goodbye for good, to hear the last breathing and then silence. Its the most profound quiet ever and I never can get it out of my mind. I had listened to her gentle breathing in hotel rooms around the world, on ship, at the end of the trail in a tent, in the motorhome with rain pounding on the roof, in a hundred hotel rooms, in hospital rooms, in recovery rooms and she always came back, always woke up for another day, another trip, another laugh, another kind word, another look of those incredible deep blue eyes. How can you one accept the loss of what seemed like perfection, of will power over cancer destruction. What was God thinking? Where is He now that she is gone? Were our tearful prayers a waste of time?
I cannot simply be content with forgetting this amazing woman, of letting her slip from my awareness, what would she be doing, feeling right now if I had gone and she had stayed? She worried about that a lot.
Some have wondered, even vocalized that I would probably just all apart without her, that she was glue, the moral compass, the common sense, the stoic determination of our lives. They are right about all of it but I'm here left standing, how can I fall apart when little ones look to me for fun, for stability, for constant love and devotion. There have been times this week when letting go seemed like a good idea except I don't even know what letting go means, stop walking, stop working, lose the house, the cars, declare failure. That does not seem too fun either, I sort of like having a place to live especially now that it is warm with a functioning furnace most of the time.
I'd say don't assume anything of me, when you call or email and I sound OK and fine, don't totally believe it and when I don't sound so good, well don't believe it either. I'm not out of the emotional woods at all, just different paths for different challenges but I continue to have no clear concept of a future without Nan at my side. I've lived as a we, even now I have to stop in conversations and change the we to I. Its my house, my plans because for all these many years it was we, yes we really did plan and live a united life, most of the time we were in agreement on everything and it was very good, it had taken years to build that kind of trust in each others judgement and it was very good, now I forget things, lose things, stumble even when walking at times, crash through life like a drunk, drive too fast, stay up too late, probably work too hard too.
This afternoon I had the great privilege to conduct an appraisal of Sylvia's house in Tracy for estate purposes, we all have to go through such when we suddenly become alone. It was so good to catch up a bit with her mom, Kevin and her about their life. She is so honest, so dedicated to people, to using her time wisely, to living a reasonable life, she is a great inspiration to me, she is also very honest about what she is going through and it humbles me, her days are much more complicated than mine and yet she is holding on well. It was a real honor to get to talk to her and be inspired again by her dedication to her Lord, her family and her church family. I think she is one of the great ones.
As I left I had a chance to see Dave Hardesty, a long time friend and another problem I was facing got partially solved. I'd like to go places on weekend with the motorhome but really am not too excited about doing it alone unless I have family with me and they have their own busy lives. Well Dave was up to going on the church campout with me in the motorhome, he gave him a place to say and for me someone to talk to, to share meals with. I like it.
Nikki sort of worried me this afternoon, she came home from work not feeling well, fast heart beat, upset tummy but no fever, some chills. She checked in with her doctor but there was nothing really concrete to be done, she is set to leave for a week of travel connected to her work and will be in New Mexico so she hopes she feels better. As a dad I was immediatelly concerned as she is well along with her pregnancy. Jason called this afternoon to report Timothy is not in command of his own bottle, he holds it or else and he is very near crawling, oh the adventures they are about to experience!
In the morning Keanna will wake me through the monitor, then we will make breakfast, dress for church, go to SS, then children's church, then to the park for some R&R, then to Olive Garden to meet with other Grampas and Grandmas for lunch. She gets a kick out of seeing them.
This morning I had a very kind call, a call from Valorie, Lloyd's Whites sister. She was offering her help with the AT&T wireless phone issues as she works there. She gave me so many good ideas, it was very nice for her to reach out like that, felt good on my end.
Well its time to wrap this up now. Thanks for listening. I understand that people are still writing messages to the blog only to have them disappear. I am so sorry and I don't know what to do about it. There are no phone numbers to call to find answers to the blog related problems. Right now the spell checker does not work anymore from my end and I have no idea of how to fix it.
Last night I made a wonderful discovery. That fruit basket from Lori just keeps on giving, I found a whole layer of pears and apples that I was unaware of. They are perfect and unbelieveably tasty so thanks again for the basket of fruit. Perfect, perfect, perfect. My roses are finally at the end of their life, thanks Loree for such a beautiful addition to my life.

love

tim