People's kindness

Dear Family and Friends,
As I write this evening I'm thinking of how kind and supportive people have been. A set of books arrived this evening from Karen who lives somewhere in middle America. She has been a good friend and given many encouraging words and thoughts over the last few months. This evening I opened a package she sent and there were several books on dealing with the grief and loss when your spouse is taken. Thank you for your great kindness Karen. Karen is a fellow GISTer and Nan loved her very much.
This has been a day of work and since I was finally able to stay put at my desk I have several projects completed and emailed out. Also a nice check for several hundred dollars came from a lender in San Jose. That was very encouraging. But of course along with it in the same mail box came a bill for over $600 which was my part of the lung test I took recently. I sort of thought the hospital accepted the payment from Blue Cross as payment in full but I'm told my part is over $600. Sort of makes you think twice about taking tests as I simply cannot afford bills like this to stack up. OIS, a collection agency is already in hot pursuit for a $2,500 bill from John Muir for medical services rendered sometime in the past year and I just got another bill from John Muir for over $500 for my most recent blood work up. I simply cannot keep up with the bills. When I try to go to sleep I wonder what is to become of me as the bills mount up. Yet I keep working and trying to generate income, I don't know what else to do.
Fortunately a couple new orders did come in today, both are problematic, seems nothing is simple right now and won't be for awhile until the markets get better and people start buying houses again.
This day started with some good news for me from a selfish standpoint. My resting blood pressure this morning was 113 / 67 my lowest to date. My blood sugar was 124 at the end of the walk and my weight was the lowest yet at 222.5. I know I am on the right path and Ken walking with me sometimes is a great help in staying at it. I am so encouraged by hearing of others who are walking, Barbie and Gerry, my brother, LeAnn, our neighbor is even planning on walking 13 miles pretty soon to raise money for cancer.
Little Timothy needs our prayers, he is battling a very nasty cough and cold plus teething and he had a very hard night last night. When a little one is ill it is very trying for the parents too as they are constantly concerned about his well being. Having just been there with him I know I'm concerned yet so far away.
Life continues to slowly unfold one day at a time. There is no inherit joy in living right now, no warm and fuzzy moments of togetherness. At times I am very bitter about what happened to Nan and to the rest of us as we lost her. There is not joy in going to sleep alone, waking alone, eating alone, working alone, driving alone, none whatsoever. If you have ever entertained thoughts of wondering what life would be like if you just had to look after yourself, well just ask Sylvia or Me, we are becoming experts on surviving.
Its not that I resent seeing friends who have each other for I remember I had that happy experience for nearly 37 years too. I just want what I had back again, I want it back again for the kids and the grandkids, that warm experience of having Grammy there and caring, involved, loving, listening, touching.
I often wonder about survival, I think I will but it sure is not from a deep sense of excitement or happiness, its for the precious little people, the family, hoping for a future that makes some sense again. I'm not sure where God is in all of this. I have not felt or seen any indication recently of His hand at work, am I limiting Him or not listening. I'm going under gradually financially, getting gradually better physically and am struggling with work as I go.
Thanks for listening and if you have any ideas I'm open but oh so tired of it all. The only moments that make any sense if when I can see the kids and grandkids, then life seems worth fighting for.
Thanks for being my friend, God bless you and your life.

love

tim
ps Jason and Jo have a great blog started with some nice photos of Timothy. You can go to their blog at jjmustard.blogspot.com and I know they would like to hear from you.