What can I say.

Dear Family and Friends,
Finally this horrid week is over, oh yes there have been bright spots, holding Kallie and catching her smile, observing Keanna doing tumbling, being spotted and then getting kisses blown my way, having lunch with Nikki, talking to Art and Jerry on the phone, riding in Lois and Rays convertible. But the week was hot outside and emotionally draining on the inside. Day after day with bills from doctors, hospitals, labs but no income checks. Waiting for the Lord to help with the house payment, turning over every possible way to raise funds and sitting here tonight with $200 toward a $2,200 house payment. One wonders was is the use of going through the motions only to be owed the money it seems indefinitely. Promises, next Tuesday, soon, any day now. It troubles me that a issue as unimportant as money should bring me to my wits end, am I really this shallow? Its just money. Will this market ever turn around? Will there be a day when the orders are more than I can handle and Steve and I will have to hire help? In 2003 we did just under 3,000 reports for the year, this year I've logged in 212 so far. Its no wonder that funds are so tight, there are not many funds to be had.
This evening I felt the walls just pressing in, here is a holiday and I've got no plans, minimal work to complete and just about no one to talk to anymore. So I drove over to the Boardwalk, a local eating place next to the marina. I asked for a table outside by the water and the evening was cool with a breeze. I discovered to my delight that the new owners are people Nan and I knew and who owned a place in Brentwood several years ago. We ate there often and enjoyed getting to know the husband and wife team. So this evening first the wife came by and talked for a bit and then the husband came by as well. Since Brentwood they have owned a place in Alaska, Vegas and Manteca. They are doing a great job here locally and the place was jammed with patrons. In the conversation she mentioned that they had Gardenburgers. They did a great job of preparing one for me and with a house salad I ate very well.
Last weekend was so special, on Sabbath I woke to spend the day with Timothy, Keanna, Kallie, Marilyn, Sylvia, Jason and Jo and Nikki. Talk about a great time, a time of warm family connections. I know those can't happen all the time and tomorrow I'll get to take Keanna to Sabbath School, then have lunch with Nikki and the girls in Tracy. That will help a lot with the blues.
Art was a really good friend tonight and reminded me of some decent things I've done in my lifetime, especially my care for Nan. I had almost forgotten that in that portion of our life I did well. I'll always remember Steve Ahn's kind words, they made a huge impression on me. But in all fairness I've got to say when you are there in the situation you don't really consider doing anything but helping in every way you can, why would you leave, run, hide when someone who has committed her life to you and your well being is in trouble. It never crossed my mind to not help. It is a tribute to the power of Nan's love, she just knew I would do, we would do everything we could to save her life, to ease her pain, to calm her fears and together we did. Now my life seems so worthless, I just wander around aimlessly without a cause. She was worth fighting for.
Sometimes I share these things I am going through even though it would be much easier to just quit blogging and cut off any contact but I do share them in the hope that my honesty might help someone else come to grips with their feelings too. Might provide a reality check that not all is well with those we meet, that they might be in the inner struggle of their life and we need to be aware of that.
I'm saddened that at the moment I don't even care about losing weight, its seems like such an impossible dream, I read the Life Raft (GIST) daily Internet reporting and learn of people who are winning, others who are searching for the next treatment, others who are wrestling with growing tumors and diminishing hopes and it all comes back, the struggle to find a cure, a respite, a break and then defeat. Where God is in all of this I'm not sure. When things go well people claim God helped, when they go bad people of faith say God knows best. How this all works I don't have a clue.
Yet today when I arrived home from a 300 mile trip to Marysville to see a house I thanked God for a safe and comfortable trip, for a chance to make $450 and then I opened the mailbox to find another day without money, I know God knows about the house payment, never missed one before in my life so how does this all work out? What do I say when there is no money for the house payment? Or is God not into such things? The constant phone calls for bills, the lack of phone calls with orders, its all so different. So depressing....
I'm glad its Sabbath, for a few hours I'll attempt to leave the financial worries to fend for themselves and just rest in His love. Ken has already called to confirm our little health walk at 6:30 in the morning. Its about the only really right thing I do these days and I'm not willing to let it slide.
Good night my friends and family,
love

tim