Adjusting to life without Nan 11 months later...

Dear Family and Friends,
Tonight as I write I am living witness to the power of faithful friends and family. This has been a very rough day for me personally. I could not sleep this morning waking at 4 am. I finally got up as the dogs looked through sleepy eyes at their wayward master. I worked at the computer until 6:30 when it was time to walk with faithful Ken. Back for a quick shower, oatmeal and on the road to Sacramento. The inspection went smoothly and so did the trip back. I had a growing sense of dread as the memories of the morning 11 months ago flooded my mind and heart. The mailbox had just one travel magazine, no checks. I knew I had to face the bank so after checking online and finding the account seriously upside down I took the checkbook for the rapidly disappearing saving account. The teller pointed out an amount that would clear the account but I knew that the check for the MLS for $660 was on its way to the bank so I wrote the check large enough to cover it too. That was one of the hardest checks I've had to write yet. If only I could find just 3 more appraisals a month the income would cover more bills. All day and up to and including tonight the calls seeking money have been coming in. What can I say but the truth. Yes I will pay but no I don't know when.

At 2 pm I picked up miss Keanna from school and enjoyed her happy play until 4 when I delivered her to her mother. They left for the dental appointment which incidentally turned out great, no cavities and she is doing well about brushing her bright white teeth. She loves the whole experience. Do you love to visit the dentist? I know I sure don't so good for Keanna.

Gradually the gloom increased as I tried to work and the reality of what had happened hit me. This time there was no miracle checks in the mail, just like when Nan died there was no answer or help. It was a terrible blow, a real faith shaking moment, one that I've not recovered from yet. I felt so alone this evening and I didn't really want to be alone, for awhile I thought I would escape to Olive Garden and at least have a good meal but then I thought about all the excellent food waiting in my own frig and besides, how would I pay for Olive Garden, what trick would I have to pull out of my hat to cover the expense? So I stayed home in deep despair. Out of the blue Art called and did his excellent listening and caring role. Then my brother called too and we talked of life and its challenges. Lois came to return the car and I invited her in, she sat at the kitchen table as I ate my salad and we talked about life. Then the phone rang and it was Sylvia who just seems to know what words to say, she reminded me that we have been friends for a very long time, perhaps about 30 years. She is coming tomorrow afternoon for more punishment as she delves deep into the scary depths of the cabinets. Hopefully she will still be here when I return from seeing three properties, Castro Valley, Oakland and then San Jose.
Ken called to ask about walking in the morning so we go at 6:45 tomorrow. Then one more nice talk with Art and now I'm talking to you my friend.
How can I impress upon you to make the most of your relationships while you have them. Even now at 11 months I miss the partnership we had together, the laughter, the quiet "I love you" before falling asleep. Why she had to go I couldn't say, I still can't. My life goes on such as it is.
How can I ever say thank you enough for my family and friends, how can one express enough gratitude for a life line being tossed when the seas seem overwhelming and the current is pulling one ever closer to the dam, to the edge.
So thank you tonight to those who invest their time and concern in another human being. It does make a difference, perhaps all the difference in the world.

love to all

Tim