Hanging on to hope

Dear Family and Friends,
7:40 and I'm writing early this evening. For those of you who live in other parts of the country today was a more typical summer day for California, over 100 degrees, little wind and it felt hot.
Ken and I walked at 6:30 before the heat could find us and solved the few remaining problems of the world and discussed the extreme complexities of the other gender, mainly women. While there is much to take note of about that other gender there remains much that is not understood! To say the least. My world is less complex as Marilyn has taken the van and gone to Sacramento to see family, friends and others! The house seems strangely quiet, not that Marilyn ever makes noise, she does not other than turn pages in whatever book she happens to be reading at the moment and to tell Lady to stop scratching. Yet being alone is a different experience, not bad, just different. The ACs are cranking to keep things down to 80 and I've just finished setting up an order that just came in through email. It is a rush FHA, pays up front COD and is located nearby in Oakley. That means $400 toward a house payment! Unfortunately the mail person brought only medical bills, no checks today. I worked in the office this morning, then drove to Livermore to do a FHA purchase of a very nice little townhome in a new complex. When I say nice I mean top drawer everything, high ceilings, travertine floors along with wool Berber carpeting, wood cased windows, granite and stainless steel kitchen, solid wood doors inside and out, sunken spotlights, fireplace / gas furnace that turns on with a switch, solid wood around the fireplace, high quality bathroom fixtures. This little dream was to sell for $669,000 and then the market fell. It is now in contract for just $445,000 and the builder is delighted to have a buyer. How times have changed and there are NO signs of a turnaround yet. Were it not for FHA financing nothing would be happening right now. Thank God that I happened to become FHA approved 12 years ago, it helps now. After completing that appraisal I was very hungry so I located a Subway and had the Gardenburger on wheat 6 inch. Nice meal and I think reasonable for health. Then home to pick up the motorhome and drive it to Brentwood to visit a a smog shop. Of course the fee is higher for a motorhome, $99 plus certificate. I begged and he dropped it $10. Then I endured a very hot motorhome which had to be running with the engine cover open while the test progressed. It passed and by 5 pm I was on my way home. By the time I reached home the new order had come in so I've set that up, have an appointment for tomorrow, have it fully researched.
Now I'm slowing down, my eyes are very tired and dry, I feel worn out. When I am facing high financial stakes it effects me with a limited depression that seems to hit inside my chest. I am still functioning fine but have little desire to accomplish anything. It takes some effort to move forward with doing what needs to be done. The long term effects of never knowing where the next dollar is coming from, from daily calls from lenders, from opening mail that cannot have an immediate response money wise, the long term effects are pretty challenging to deal with. I'm urged by friends to hold on and allow God to lend His helping hand, I'm definitely doing that but I've got to say never knowing what is going to happen next gets real old. I feel like my word, my promises to these lenders means little. So far no lender has been denied payment but often the payment has to be delayed or is made the last minute instead of up front like it should be. I'm not really feeling like a victim or anything like that, this is my reality right now and I'm in it and intend to keep at it until things get better.
Some things just have to be put off, like shots for the dogs, new walking shoes, joining the gym, all of these are things my first impression is to just go do but then I hesitate and realize that I could wait a bit, they are not vitally important right now. House payment is vital, health care is vital, car payment is vital, PG&E fairly important too.
I think that is why special events like last evening with Bob and Carrol, the excellent dinner, the good conversation, the fun night out, special events become even more special and memorable. The same for opportunities to see, to hold the little kidos, very special, precious times. I feel a special sense of importance because with Nan's loss I get to hold them for us both, to do a little more since its just me now. Hope I am making sense. At times I wrestle with holding onto my sanity, with keeping the flame of hope alive in my heart.
So tomorrow I'll work nearby and then on Friday I'll drive to Marysville to do that appraisal. And I'm thankful for every job that comes along.
I hope your week is going well. Roger and Carol are having much needed rain in N. Carolina, two blessed days of it and they are very glad. May they have more!
So good night my friends, my family, I love you all

Tim