Rest

Good evening

I'm writing late but just wanted to say a quick hello. This new Direct TV just has too many interesting programs, lots of religious ones and ones about just about anything from snowboarding to how the Titanic sank. All afternoon I've sat in the recliner with the heated blanket the kids got so long ago and with Starr at my side rested and watched the christian dish. Great programs from the mission field, beautiful scenery photos with music, music from the 3ABN network, vespers from Loma Linda. In life there are some gifts that just keep on giving and the dish is just that, I smile in appreciation every time I turn it on.

This morning I picked Keanna up and we arrived on time at Sabbath School. The room was filled with little ones, it was exciting but unfortunately I felt pretty awful. I made it through and got Keanna back home for her special guest that came at noon to play.

Ken has called and we will walk at the new 7 am in the morning. I know I won't be excited to get up then but walking is so vital. This afternoon I threw the ingredients into the bread maker and now have a new loaf of delicious bread. The tomatos from CostCo actually taste pretty good for this time of year so I've enjoyed some tasty peanut butter and tomato sandwiches this evening.

As one copes with loss as profound as losing Nan it takes a long time to fully realize just what is gone. Nan was a very solid person, calm, firm in her beliefs and pretty much confident that she could run her own life. She was a huge help to me on a daily basis with her steady hand, bedrock love for me and for the family, good judgment and a master of little things, security numbers, paying bills on time, creating tasty meals, devising fun events and always looking for ways to support the kids.

All these years I have relied on her for good judgment and stability and I've not yet learned to pick up the controls of my life and be stable, keep healthy and live life well. Frankly this is probably not the time to do a self examination as I'm pretty ill now, coughing, head cold, fever and general malaise. I just long to be of help to others, to get out of debt, to hold the complicated life I live in balance. Sometimes I feel pretty good about things in general and yet many times I just feel overwhelmed, so many fires to put out, people to help, deadlines to meet, bills to pay.

This has a day of reflection and as I watched the mission programs I'm so drawn to really getting in and helping hungry people, hurting people, people without wells or churches. At this point I don't see a thing I can do to help.

I've included a photo from a section of the front yard where flowers that Nan planted long ago return every year. She was always deeply touched when she saw the flowers, glad to welcome yet another spring of life. How I miss this dear lady, just wondering if I can ever be whole again without her. Just wondering........

love

tim