Grief Group was great tonight.

Dear Family and Friends,
I'm just back from a 2 hour session with the grief recovery group. While every meeting takes on its own character for the night tonight's was especially helpful. Emotions moved from tears and stilted comments due to stress to many times of the entire group in laughter. It is really amazing to observe and participate as the waves of reality move from sadness to joy and then back again. Without betraying confidences in our group we currently have several of us who have lost spouses, others who are in the midst of chemo for existing tumors while others are having follow up radiation for recently removed tumors. Some of the group are getting better, some are in a holding pattern and at least of us is slipping with more and more evidence of cancer gradually spreading. There is a level of openness and honesty that is amazing and you end up feeling like it is safe enough to go ahead and share what you really feel, what your really think. One of the group creates the most amazing snacks and it is always something we look forward to.
We have an excellent group leader who is the pastor of the little church that sponsors the group and provides a nice place to meet. He knows how to keep things moving well without the mistakes that often plague a group, people rushing in with answers, or trying to comfort people when what they really need is to let the emotion out without it being "fixed".
In our group tonight one of our members shared the terrible experience of trying to purchase groceries and not having enough strength to bag them or unload the car afterwards, how it felt when no one in the store would step forward and help in spite of tear running down her cheeks. I was inspired by what she shared, to be more aware of those around me and to be ready to render help when another human being is in trouble.
Needless to say at this point in time I am feeling much better and have decided to rejoin the human race again. I did have a shock this evening when I checked the bank account only to find that a charge for $774 had been sent to the bank. Considering I had $39 in the account that represents a problem. Tomorrow morning a credit card deposit I made from work done will kick in but it won't be enough. Where did the huge charge come from? Well when Blue Cross decided to seek their monthly payment earlier than I expected at the first of the month I did not have it covered and the bank returned their request unfunded. I was told by Blue Cross that I would have to send in a check so I'm getting my funds together so I could do just that but someone decided to just resubmit the money request without any warning. In the bigger picture its OK, it needs to be paid but with about 9 days of no funds coming in I've been sort of not spending anything so as not to drive the account into the red. Well I got caught unprepared. Fortunately two new orders came in today for the Walnut Creek and Moraga area and one of them is paying with a check. It won't be quite enough to cover the entire amount but very close. So I'm heading to Walnut Creek in the morning after I deliver my precious little girls to school and sitters. I was so happy to hear the fax grind into life today with these new orders.
I've found out that I get to care for the girls tomorrow night. It will be my first time caring for Kallie as well as Keanna but I know it will work out fine. Nikki will come at midnight to collect Kallie after her scrapbook workshop which is held locally about once a month. She loves to do it and the product is so beautiful, I think she is up to about Keanna at 3 years of age in her various scrapbooks.
Today I've made an effort to eat more healthy things. Breakfast had oatmeal, breakfast links, banana and a think 1/2 slice of my bread toasted with peanut butter on it. For lunch I had frozen peas over a boca burger with fresh cut up tomatoes fresh from Nan's vines on the back deck. Then this evening I had low salt and low fat mushroom soup and a slice of toast with tomatoes on it. I've also had large glasses of water and a couple mocha drinks.
I was so upset last night that I did not fall asleep until 3:30 this morning. In spite of the short rest I walked this morning with Ken and have not fallen asleep all day as I worked here in the office. However I intend to go to bed after this blog is through and sleep until 6:15 when I have to rise to go get the girls ready.
I hope you will consider either walking in the GIST walk in San Jose on the 26Th or make a donation to the fund. I'll be sharing the link and information about the walk. I no longer have to be the speaker and I am so relieved. We have the chance to have one of the worlds most renowned GIST researchers from Portland attend both Sat night and the walk on Sunday. To get to hear from him will be a real opportunity for the GISTers and their care givers.
So my friends and family members, good night one and all.

love

tim